The previous column generated much buzz; so many wrote back, revering me as ‘ babaji’ and ‘ gurudev’ , amongst other praise, mostly in the vernacular. To be honest, I didn’t care much for it. I’d rather have cheques or hard cash (in unmarked bills) to amount, I mean, account for all this devotion. The collections so far, I admit, have been disappointing. The other repercussion has been that people have now started sending me ideas for this column, wishing me to dissect daily woes in public interest. This is so me — tried to be a religious entrepreneur and ended up being perceived as social service. No wonder the investors keep leaving.
In the aftermath of the last fortnight, a certain friend... oh, what the heck, let’s just name him so his wife can pull him up proper, Gaurav T, suggested that I next talk about WhatsApp groups and the level of appropriateness needed with the kind of content shared there. Clearly this was a personal quandary, but I am above such attachments so I shall dig deeper and instead put down the 10 commandments of WhatsApp groups.
1. If you add me to a group, it’s grounds for me quitting the group anytime, sans explanation.
2. If you add me to a group and I leave it and you add me back, it’s grounds for homicide.
3. The amount of social (or political) appropriateness required while posting to a group is only dependent on how much you wish to be a part of that group. Also, if you feel the need to be part of a WhatsApp group, or any group, you need to get out more. And while you’re out, seek professional help.
4. The average intelligence of a group halves with each new person being added. Productivity falls exponentially faster with every group you get sucked into.
5. There should be no such thing as a Family WhatsApp group, it’s an inherent contradiction and the two can’t coexist. If I wanted to lose the respect of my family, why, I would… oh wait, sailed ship and all that. Never mind.
6. The WhatsApp basket never has just one rotten smart-ass apple. No matter how cute or smug it may seem, people who share memes or pictures of (allegedly) their children should be diced and fed to the dogs. Alternatively, you could just block them but it doesn’t have that same vehement ring to it. By extension, anyone who thinks it’s vital to wish everyone ‘Good morning’ or any other time of the day needs to have their vital parts yanked off.
7. Should you feel the odd and inexplicable need to refute a statement by another idiot on the group, feel free to do it in another chat, or in person. Don’t oblige the rest with your fallacy-ridden, grammar-contorting, abbreviation-infested tirade.
8. Refer to people by their first names. If you have to add ‘ji’ to their names each time (along with a clasped hands emoji for “gratitude”) then clearly you are not their peer and shouldn’t even be in the same group.
9. As for the people at WhatsApp, when you get time off from counting your profits, do away with the blue tick crap; it only contributes to heightening anxiety amongst millennials. Instead, introduce a black dot with the letters CTFD (for ‘Calm the eff down!’).
10. Finally, every time you feel the need to send a WhatsApp message — a joke, a riddle, or maybe a piece of trivia — ask yourself this: does it make the world a better place? Does it evolve you into a better person? Or does it make you more likeable? Then, irrespective of the answer, throw away your phone and get a life!
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
