Aunty ji lifts the latch off her huge gold-painted gate, pokes her head out, like a meerkat from its burrow, eyes darting to and fro. When she has established that the coast is momentarily clear, she flings a plastic packet of garbage to the other side of the street. Clearly, the Olympic talent-hunters in India are not looking in the right places. Aunty ji ’s daily throws are aimed to perfection — two feet away from so-and-so’s garden, five feet away from so-and-other-so’s gate, squarely in the middle of no-man-can-argue-land.
Half an hour later, on your morning jog, your Nike Air, instead of transporting you on a cloud, squelches into rotting brinjal- sambhar and glass bottle shards. You decide to tackle this head-on.
‘Why do you keep throwing your rubbish outside?’ You shout.
‘What rubbish?’
‘This rubbish. Your rubbish.’
‘What rubbish!’ she retorts.
You persist. ‘Aunty ji , the entire planet is ours. Can you just keep your little house sparkling clean and sweep the junk out onto streets, parks and playgrounds?’
‘How can you call my house little? It is 1940 square feet, plus partially-covered terrace. And why are you pointing fingers — and Nike shoes — at me? See, the news; those nuclear planters in Fukushima. They are dumping barrel after barrel of radioactive waste into the sea. Go shout at them!’
‘So, will our entire city become a pile of garbage?’
‘No, no. We must keep our city clean, of course. So many big shots are visiting here. We can take it in trucks and dump it outside in some of those smaller towns. See the news: Bengaluru dumps in Mandur and Mavallipura, and Chennai dumps in Tiruvottiyur. No big shots go there, except for election time.’
‘And what when those landfills get filled too?’
‘Then we can send it to Sweden. Don’t you see the news? Sweden is buying everybody’s rubbish. Very kind country. My nephew is living underground there.’
‘And what if Sweden gets full and there’s just no place left for rubbish anymore?’
‘We have the entire sea to dump in. And when that’s full, we can always send it into outer space, no? You really must see the news. So many thousands of pieces of space trash are circling around in outer space, already. When sending rockets to other planets, let them just dump on the way. It is a good idea, you must admit.’
Aunty ji slams her gate shut with a resounding click. ‘Bye now. I am going to see the news. I have no time to stand here talking rubbish with you.’
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After , talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
