This Diwali, I ask for nothing for myself... Perhaps only a little keychain; you know, the kind they sell on pavements?
“Only a keychain?” he asks grandly. “But why, when I would gift you the key to a house?”
Would I ever ask for a house? A good and simple woman like me. Just a small keychain for the keys to this safe they’re advertising.
“Of course,” he says doubtfully. “But being simple folk, what will we put in that safe?”
What kind of question is that? It’s auspicious to buy gold on Dhanteras. The bargain of the day is this 22K gold necklace. But not for me, of course. For our daughter-in-law.
“But we don’t even have a son yet!” Notice how illogically he argues.
And when we have one, I explain patiently, he will have the gold coin — which comes free with the gold necklace. We have to sacrifice now for our future.
“Hmm,” he dabs at a bead of sweat. “Where is this offer? Let me have a look at it.”
Here, here. See the special offer only for those who buy the laptop.
“I knew there were strings attached!” (Can you imagine this man’s twisted mind!)
Strings, wings, nothing. In fact, wireless headphones free. A once-in-a-lifetime offer, if you buy the washing machine. You need to be supportive of greater change.
“But we have two washing machines already. One of them is permanently shut with your brass curios on top.” He seems insistent on being difficult, no?
And do I look the type of woman who would waste money on extra things? This is a dish-washing machine. And not an ordinary one either. It can wash the most delicate of crystal bowls.
“We don’t have crystal – oh, wait a minute – of course. We now need to buy a set of crystal bowls.”
No, no, you are so ready to criticise my plans for progress. The crystal bowl set comes free with the 10-seater traditional dining table suite.
“And we need 10 dining chairs when we are only 2 people because...?”
To show off our traditional ware to the friends we will make on this Lifetime Holiday package of Foreign Trips.
“This,” he says, “is such inflated hype.” He always talks like this when he wants to start a fight. “We don’t even have a big enough house for a dining table that huge. Unless, of course, you’re suggesting we buy a new house.”
Would I ever? This is so typical of the highly-educated type of person he is. All I am is a good and simple woman, asking for a good and simple Made-in-China keychain.
“Anyway, we are boycotting everything Made-in-China.”
Some people only complain. Won’t give up their hard-earned money for my greater good. Kanjoos !
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After , talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
