Once in an eon, Bond tries to stay abreast of technology. And this is what happens…

Bond threw his empty glass in disgust. Skyfall was a hit, but his life appeared to be in free fall now. He had a new boss as M and what made it worse was that it was someone who had previously aspired to become Bond himself. Then they got a kid to play Q and he was running circles around Bond when it came to handling computerized gizmos. And now, his devices were all being made available to the common man.

Firstly, the latest technology — named Starchase — had facilitated the creation of a new GPS bullet that made police chases a lot easier. It could be activated at the press of a button from a car and would attach itself to the suspect’s car. Once that happened, the whereabouts of the rogue vehicle could easily be tracked on a monitor. Then, a bulletproof suit that made use of lightweight carbon nanotube technology was created, thereby making the three-piece suit resistant to bullets and knives. Fabric created by using long, thin, lightweight carbon nanotubes was inserted into the suit and rendered it bullet-proof. Plus, the suit looked stylish and wasn’t the least bit bulky or inflexible. If the man on the street had access to all of this, wouldn’t Bond’s USP be compromised?

His request to Q was simple. “Give me toys that’ll keep me ahead of the pack.” Q nodded and opened a safe. “Here’s an alarm...” he began when Bond interrupted. “Will it blow up when someone comes to kill me?”

Q sighed. “No, it’s an alarm app that will not go off until you get out of bed and shake your phone relentlessly.

It has no shut off or snooze buttons, and there is no volume control, so it is always irritatingly loud. Basically, it has a shake meter that has to be filled up by shaking the phone — and until that happens, the alarm won’t stop. Isn’t that an ingenious way of waking someone up?”

“I always believed that the phrase ‘shaken, not stirred’ was used to describe something else,” said Bond dryly. “It’s available on both the iPhone and Android...” Q continued, but Bond was not impressed. “Listen,” Q persisted, “that was the Wake n Shake app, but there’s also the Walk Up! app which won’t go off until you’ve woken up and walked a few steps...” He stopped when Bond glared at him. “What’s the matter?” 007 demanded. “Someone’s been telling you that I spend too much time in bed?”

“Ok,” Q changed the topic and pulled out a t-shirt. “How about this...” “Hey, a t-shirt that makes me invisible?” Bond asked excitedly. “No,” Q hesitated, “it can wash itself.”

Bond stared at him, his right eyebrow merging with his scalp. “What’ll I do with that?” “Look Bond, imagine chasing villains all day, getting yourself all dirty and then having to go on a date - nothing like having a t-shirt that can clean itself, right?” Q explained.

“But how does this work?” Bond was curious. “Oh, it’s just a bit of nanoscience, a fabric material and some detergent coming together,” said Q nonchalantly. “The printing ink in the t-shirt has a specific amount of detergent in it, so when the t-shirt is dipped in water, the soapy solution that is formed cleans the t-shirt. And if you’re stuck in an Indian city with water shortage, there’s another option — a t-shirt using titanium dioxide, so the minute you expose it to sunlight, the t-shirt will clean itself.”

Bond shook his head. “But how on earth am I supposed to wear a t-shirt over my tuxedo?” Q shot back, “Well, if Superman can wear his briefs over his tights...”

He didn’t see Bond’s fist coming and everything went dark. But Q was satisfied. He couldn’t make 007 fly like Superman — at least he could make him dress like the Man of Steel.