Desire. Chromosomes. Fantasies. Agency. How babies are made. Respect. Ishq. The wacky and unabashed multi-media forum, Agents of Ishq, tells you everything you need to know — and lets you say everything you want to say — about that which must not be named in India: sex.
The posts range from factoids about contraception (‘What to do if male partner refuses to use condoms? Refuse to use male partner’) to a fantastical ‘If Rani Mukerji were your girl friend’ piece to a poster titled ‘The Lover’s Pilgrimage’ that elucidates multiple kinds of relationships and sexualities: ‘alone, happy, not looking,’ ‘commune’, ‘relationship anarchy’, ‘pan-sexual’.
In short, the movement wants, ever so audaciously, to “give sex a good name”.
“When do we hear sex talked about as a normal part of life? Almost never,” says filmmaker and writer, Paromita Vohra, who conceptualised Agents of Ishq. “Whenever there is any public conversation about sex, it is always linked to something bad. It is a place of shame, of problems, badnami … it is a place of risk.” But information is the key, and Vohra gives a simple analogy: “If you don’t tell people about nutrition, they won’t know what’s good for them to eat.”
Today, Agents of Ishq is just one among several initiatives, online and offline, that are pushing the boundaries of the discourse on gender, sex, equality and sexual liberation, galvanising vast popular participation from citizens.
From the other end of the world, another project, this time an artist’s, looks at female sexual self-assertion through two series of paintings called ‘Badass Indian Pinups’ and ‘Badass Indian Brides’ that give the American vintage pin-up a radical Indian makeover. The women in these portraits — ‘Nagini’, ‘Karvachauth’, ‘Not Your Mom’s Bahu’ — look directly into the viewer’s eye, “revelling in their sexual allure, challenging their expectations of how ‘good Indian girls’ should be.”
“Our community discourages women from being confident in their sexuality and although feminism is very multi-faceted, this is one part that is severely oppressed,” says Canadian visual artist Nimisha Bhanot, the artist behind the series. Being a South Asian woman has significantly influenced her work. “I never liked how unaware and coy American pinups appeared, so I decided to twist it on its head and paint girls who confront the viewer’s reservations regarding the subject’s sexual confidence. There are no depictions of Indian women being so sexually liberated in painting, so I thought this was a great way to do it because it combines artistic influences from both my North American and Indian heritage.”
But any attempt to demystify sexuality must involve men first. As Harish Sadani of Men against Violence and Abuse (MAVA) says, the repression of male sexuality is central to any discourse on gender equality and female sexual liberation. “There is an abysmal ignorance about sex and sexuality, even as there is a rising tide of sexualised messages and images in everyday life. The average age at which a girl or boy has her or his first sexual experience has come down to 15. We cannot afford for them to have half-baked knowledge.” Sadani founded MAVA in 1993 because he felt it was impossible to talk about gender equality and women’s rights without first sensitising men on these issues. “Back then, we were ahead of our time. In fact, we still are. There is a dearth of efforts to involve men in the discourse on gender and sex.”
This is a lacuna that could be addressed in some ways by workshops such as those organised by betterloverseminar.com, where a lot of “unlearning” happens, says Shiva, a certified sex educator and the brain behind this initiative that helps men understand their partners and their needs. Men are “by default, lousy lovers,” says Shiva, and are, in fact, to be blamed for some of the most common sexual problems that women face in the Indian subcontinent. “Most women just tolerate their husband’s lack of skill, the sometimes painful sex, and eventually lose interest in sexual activity altogether.”
On Shiva’s website, men can take a ‘good lover test’ where they answer questions drawn up from a survey of women aged 18 to 38. Website Love Matters also offers “blush-free information” on love, sex and relationships, with Auntyji answering all your queries.
There is a sense of shame that lingers around sex, which leads to silence and thence to ignorance and violence. TARSHI (Talking about Reproductive and Sexual Health Issues) approaches sexuality from a ‘rights-based’ perspective. Says Executive Director Prabha Nagaraja, “An open conversation is crucial in discussions about consent and violence.” Her organisation engages with institutions to promote sexuality education for young people. Agents of Ishq made a film called Main Aur Meri Body , “a 100 per cent Bambaiya ishtyle video about how bodies are made”in collaboration with SNEHA, an NGO in Dharavi, to help school teachers, sex educators and community activists.
The deafening silence in our schools on sex and sexuality also worries Seema Alavi, social historian and professor at Delhi University. “We need classroom discussions about sexuality, about sexual relationships, about how to deal with your orientation, which can give a nuanced and balanced introduction to students. A kind of patriarchy operates, making it a male privilege and prerogative to determine or define how much of this kind of knowledge is to be shared. A very patriarchal notion of sex and sexuality is disseminated — sometimes unconsciously and inadvertently — within the family that conditions the minds of children, especially boys, about what is acceptable. What is missing is a more formal schooling about sex and sexuality.”
Sexual medicine consultant D. Narayana Reddy agrees. He points out that women internalise and perpetuate this patriarchy. “Mothers treat their sons and daughters differently. The male child is given a lot of freedom, while the girl child is brought up with restrictions and emotional and social pressures.”
Sexuality, as Reddy says, is “conditioned by cultural heritage, social norms (which change over time), and images from mass media.” All of these in India have conspired to maintain an air of taboo and silence around the subject, which has translated into a highly repressed society. Can the mushrooming new websites, seminars and projects lead to a transformation? In the absence of anything else, these initiatives are certainly filling in the gaps. But formalised sex education in schools that encourages a healthy and open discussion and equal acceptance of male and female sexuality is where we should be headed.
