Writer 1: Ok, we need to write a new Dhoom movie. So much money to be made.
Writer 2: What’s there to write?
Writer 1: We signed Aamir. He likes to read scripts and stuff.
Writer 2 : But why?
Writer 1: He is a thinking actor, yaar. He asks questions like: What’s my character’s backstory? What is the existential crisis he is going through? How is the film reflecting the socio economic politics of disparities in the world?
Writer 2: (looks at DVD of The Dark Knight lying around and scribbles for a minute) Okay, we begin with the backstory. Aamir could play Joker, I mean clown. Backstory is that he was part of the circus, his father dies unable to pay bank loans, so he robs banks. Banks are the villains of today. And we end a 20-minute backstory with a great back shot of Aamir... Remember how he worked out for Ghajini since he couldn't do much with the script? I can already see the teaser.
Writer 1: Aamir is a thinking actor. We need more.
Writer 2: (looks at the DVD shelf and The Prestige DVD is asking him: Are you watching closely?) Okay, Aamir plays a thinking clown. He can also do magic. In fact, I can make doubly sure he won't turn this down. I'm writing him a role where he can be a thinking genius thief and the Taare Zameen Par kid at the same time.
Writer 1:Krrish already has a grown up autistic kid in a man’s body.
Writer 2: Doesn't matter, boss. I saw this movie called Tropic Thunder . Ben Stiller plays Simple Jack in a movie within a movie. What superb acting. Every actor wants to be Rainman and Forrest Gump once in his life. Aamir is no exception.
Writer 1: Fine... this just when Yash Raj Films is turning over a new leaf with good cinema! Okay, here’s an idea. Make it fully meta. Aamir should say what we believe in. We are clowns. We entertain. We make people believe that they are winning by laughing at us. But we have their money. At least the critics will understand our predicament then.
Writer 2: Okay, boss. Ditto for Uday Chopra, I presume. He makes self-deprecatory jokes so that the audience likes him finally?
Writer 1: We can only try. We have unleashed him upon them thrice now. We hope he has grown on them.
Writer 2: Bas, enough characterisation. It’s a Dhoom movie, boss. Let’s talk about the bikes. We need to do something better than The Fast and the Furious . Something like Transformers ? Picture this: Aamir is being chased on a bike, suddenly he’s trapped on a bridge... And as he dives off the bridge with his bike, the bike becomes a boat and then a submarine and then a boat again and then flies out of water and becomes a bike again.
Writer 1: Why not make a boat turn into a plane and he flies off?
Writer 2: Don't be ridiculous, boss. Also, that’s more a Dhoom 4 idea. Audience is not ready for it yet. Batman has done it; I don't have the DVD now. But next film, I promise you, the thief will jump out of a building and become a plane.
Writer 1: Ok, let's go. Time for meeting with Aamir.
Writer 2: We haven’t written anything for Abhishek or Katrina yet.
Writer 1: Have already briefed Vaibhavi on how to present Katrina. She said we can do a family friendly striptease for one song and a circus act for another, one romantic duet with Aamir and one Dhoom song for end credits.
Writer 2: And Abhishek?
Writer 1: No time for that... I'll give him sunglasses.
(It is learnt that Abhishek insisted on using all the fake moustaches and beards he had to add character)
Later at the meeting:
Aamir: So do I get caught by Jai and Ali? John and Hrithik preferred to leap to death if I remember right.
Writer 1: What would you rather do?
Aamir (thinks): Hmmm! (Looks at the cheque in hand) Ok then, let’s Dhoom!
Post Script: Not a page of script was written after this meeting.
Genre: Action
Director: Vijay Krishna Acharya
Cast: Aamir Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Katrina Kaif, Uday Chopra
Storyline: Jai and Ali are called to investigate bank robberies in Chicago involving a circus clown
Bottomline: A superlative spoof, so much to laugh at.
