A friend was only half joking when she said, “I am in a give-and-take friendship with X. She does all the taking and I do all the giving.” Does this sound familiar?
Those who study human behaviour divide people into two broad categories: the givers and the takers. Most of us fall into the midway bracket of both giving and taking, keeping a close eye on what goes out while forgiving ourselves and making excuses for taking; but the givers of the world give without counting the costs. Most often they act without thinking, like the man who threw himself on top of a young girl whom he spotted just in time as she crouched on the rails waiting for a speeding train. At the other end are people who are the very opposite: skilled at getting others to do their work and feeling no qualms about taking the credit, be it in an office or in a household where everyone is expected to pitch in. These are the takers of the world. They are also very good at making everyone else feel obliged to them and protecting their interests or making excuses for their inability to contribute what they should by rights have ‘given’. (“My husband was ill.” “ I was travelling.” “My daughter’s examinations…” )
How would you slot yourself? And more crucially, as far as happiness and lightness of mind are concerned, which feels better?
Happiness
Eric Barker whose insights have been widely appreciated (and even tested in small groups) is sure that in the matter of happiness, the data he has gathered over many years show that the crafty climbers who get promoted or rewarded financially are not necessarily happier than those who get left behind despite hard work and commitment to whatever field they might be performing in. By not trusting others, by looking the other way when others need help, the takers actually cut themselves short on what makes people happy. They are the ones who feel low for no reason at all. Who feel uneasy and keep looking over their shoulders. Double-dealing becomes a habit and gradually colours their whole existence.
Those who donate regularly to good work, who spend time as volunteers, who offer to help before they are asked — studies have shown that these are the people who do not fall into depression or give into anger. They are optimistic about human nature and healthier because their self-esteem and levels of emotional satisfaction keep them happy. They might experience weariness, but rarely unfocussed rage which is an increasingly dangerous public expression of feelings in our fast-paced urban lives.
Our best work
In a collection of articles produced in honour of a scholar of English Literature, Himansu Mohapatra, titled The Unbilled Hour I came across the perfect model of an academic giver. The long spells of reading, teaching, and writing outside professional requirements goes unnoticed academically but is received and remembered with gratitude by the many students, colleagues and friends who benefited from the generous nature of the scholar. Our best work, as the preface to the book says, is done in the unbilled hour.
This month, which marks World Environment Day, is a good time to remember the endless giver of life we all depend on: bhoomimata . She gave us ourselves and waits patiently for us to return her dues. If we pay no other bill, that outstanding is something we will surely settle one day.
The author is Series Editor, Living in Harmony (Oxford University Press).
