Shubhrata Prakash wears her husband’s hometown on her sleeve. Her billowing Lucknowi kurta lends her an air of cool, not something she would’ve associated with herself a year ago. Prakash, 42, is a Stephenian, an XIM graduate who worked with an advertising firm before she joined the Indian Revenue Service and rose to be Additional Commissioner Income Tax. Married to a serving IPS officer, and mother of two, Prakash was in every way living the Indian dream, only she was wandering through a dystopian world, often at war with herself.
A decade ago, Prakash had postpartum depression. “Being a mother changes you completely. I felt a disconnect with everything, made worse by physiological and environmental stressors. I had panic attacks, felt boxed in. One day, I was seized with rage and I knew I had to deal with it,” she says, when I meet her a day after the Chennai launch of her book, The D Word . “When I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD), it was a shock, the labels were suddenly on me. But, what was even more shocking was the initial lack of empathy from both family and friends. The typical reactions were ‘we faced so much more and came out unscathed’, ‘you are so fortunate, what is wrong with you?’ Somehow, it was seen as a reflection of my not being grateful for what I had, a perpetuation of the myth that depression affects only the weak. We use the word ‘depressed’ to denote sadness and, to a large extent, people are unaware that it is more than melancholy, that it involves changes in the brain and that it is a mental illness very difficult to define.”
The next few years passed in a haze, and Prakash admits there were days when she didn’t want to get out of bed. “I was on medication, but it didn’t help as I had two small children to look after. Work was stressful.” But, her husband’s handholding proved a powerful analgesic. “My family slowly came to accept the condition. At least they didn’t add to my stress,” she says.
To draw her out of her lonely inner world, Prakash’s family and psychotherapist encouraged her to write. “I enjoy writing and you can’t write your tax orders creatively,” she laughs. “This wasn’t the book I was planning to write, but the social stigma I faced propelled me to tell my story. I wanted the world to know that someone doesn’t ‘choose’ to get depressed.”
How did Prakash remove herself from the process of writing her own story? “The book is part of a movement to open up about these experiences. Nobody is interested in my life, but they are interested in my condition. It was difficult to separate the two. And, I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. This guided my narrative. Now, there are more stress factors that trigger MDD, but it is also better documented. More brain images that track physical, neural and chemical changes are available for study.”
The book, published by Pan Macmillan, opens with the experiences of a litany of people from across age groups. It also beautifully ties in quotes from Alice in Wonderland at the beginning of each chapter. “There is overwhelming evidence of genetic predisposition to a condition such as this, but why are we treating it any differently from other illnesses? I teach my sons mindfulness, how to deal with it.”
Prakash’s book also addresses how not to give up hope even on days when you feel there is nothing to live for; how to find something to anchor you; and how one man’s incredible love helped her walk towards the light.
The D Word - A survivor’s guide to depression is published by Pan Macmillan India and is priced at Rs. 299. Available online and at physical stores
