It’s that time of the year when news channels and dailies feature the journeys of Civil Services Examination toppers.
For a few, it is the time to rejoice, to revel in the light of success after spending years inside the four walls of a room with only books as companions. However, for many others, it means rejection, self-doubt, dispiritedness, anxiety, and depression. No, I don’t belong to either category at present.
My tryst with the exam ended 10 months ago when I failed the preliminary examination in my last attempt. When the mark sheet came, it turned out that I had crossed the cut-off for the actual paper but failed the aptitude test. This was more painful. Imagine securing 100% in your board examination in all subjects and then failing in physical education. This is exactly like that.
One might say, what is even the purpose of pondering on this? Well, for us aspirants, the pain never goes away. The aspirants’ journey entails a sheer amount of hard work and a great deal of resilience, patience, and endurance. You will always find characters around you who never fail to demotivate you or discredit your effort. They would say: “A probability of 0.01% and you think you will make it? Ha, don’t waste your time.” Or, “Oh, that person was an IITian, and that is why they could clear it.”
Having the service dream in itself is a courageous move. For most of us aspirants, it is a dream that holds meaning, a dream that can transform lives, a dream that goes beyond self and puts others first. While most of our non-aspirant peers are crossing various milestones in life, we are different. We find happiness in that room, rummaging through our notes, revising the new and old amendments made to the Constitution, visualising the world map in our heads, and recalling the architectural achievements of the Cholas. We are happy because we are hopeful that one day all this effort will have a beautiful ending.
Failure in this journey is not uncommon, but it remains limited to the selection process. At the end of it all, you will succeed in becoming a better version of yourself. However, the pain still remains.
vitastawattal@gmail.com
