What a balmshell!

The self of your atma has already attained oneness with the virus of the brahma

Published - May 22, 2021 04:15 pm IST

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi

Dear Agony Akka

I am really worried about my future. This corona thing has turned my life upside down. I thought I would get a government job last year. But no, the exams were not held as scheduled. Even this year, with the second wave, everything seems to be the same as last year. Or maybe even worse. What if I get infected? Please Akka, help me out. How can I manage anxiety regarding my future?

Overly Melancholic

Dear OM

Tsk tsk. What is this? Are you not watching the television regularly? Baba Ramknave is remonstrating and demonstrating over and over again about how your lungs are like a four-cylinder engine that is firing one after another to deliver high-power performance in your breathing apparatus and therefore you can live forever and ever and you can get a job anytime you want because you will never get infected by this dreadful virus. There, does that not make you cheerful? Mind you, maybe you cannot breathe after reading such a long sentence but that is neither here nor there.

Or, if this is not helping you, why not listen to the discourses of Sabscrew Jughead Aftershave? Surely, he cannot be casting his pearls of wisdom in vain. See how clearly he explains: In this world which is only a dimension, you are also a dimension and the virus is also a dimension and the vaccine is also a dimension. And so, all dimensions being equal, the self of your atma has already attained oneness with the virus of the brahma. So there is nothing to worry about. Sorry, I might have got a bit lost between the various dimensions, but philosophy has always fallen flat for me. Until, of course, Jughead Aftershave came along. I love listening to him because he wears designer clothes and it makes me want to immediately give up the boring rags of my feminine dimension and take up a beard and a turban, not necessarily in that order.

And anyway, in this day and age nobody should worry about getting a government job. There are many, many opportunities waiting out there, and many of them will anyway be endorsed by the government. For example, how about starting a blog? All you have to do is read WhatsApp messages carefully, pick the ones that are the most farfetched, and compile them into a blog post. Add one or two cute cat pictures and then sign off. But that last line is where you should get creative. You can say ‘Tiger balm hai.’ Or ‘Amrutanjan calm hai.’ Or ‘Amul butter hai’. If you get it right, that’s it. Big-big ministers and MPs will soon be sharing your blog post in many faraway foreign lands in India and abroad. You will become famous.

Enough ideas or you want more? So much greed in young people these days. If you are not fixated that you want to study this only or become that only, one good general all-purpose type of job is coming up. Government has announced that it is going to start BBC World type of Doordarshan channel to counter all evil foreign media. Apply for job there. It is a difficult job, but you can manage. You must train from now itself. Don’t write silly letters complaining about COVID-19. Instead, practise praising the pandemic. Also do breathing exercises.

And in your CV, make sure you mention flag, nation, cow, anthem, mother, goddess, bovine excreta, and conch shell. What do you mean, use the words in a sentence? Everything I must do or what? Rest assured, job is yours.

— AA


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