Respected Madam/ Sir,
Hello, this is Mathrubootham. What is the news in The Hindu ? Any difference in 2019 or same thing you are doing again and again? Madam/ Sir, all this happy new year and all big fraud. Just to spoil the peace of mind of simple people like you and me. (Maybe you are not simple. I don’t know.)
Olden days and all normal people doing same things every day without fail. Wake up mornings. Take bath. Have breakfast. Take scooter. Go to office. Suffer. Come back. Have dinner. Read newspaper. Go to sleep. Wake up at 2 a.m. Change mosquito coil. Go to sleep. Wake up at 3 a.m. because coil is making too too much smell for Mrs. Mathrubootham. Stupid woman if mosquito coil smells like Cuticura means how mosquito will go? Wake up at 4 a.m. because kumbh mela of mosquitoes dancing kuchipudi on belly. Secretly put coil under bed. Go to sleep. Wake up at 6 a.m. because mattress is burning. Take bath. Have breakfast. Go to office. Suffer. Etc. etc.
Change mattress secretly
Simple lifestyle. Just make sure to change mattress secretly every three-four years without telling Kamalam. She is still thinking we are sleeping on Kurl-On king size model from 1991. I remember because we saw superhit film Irumbu Pookal matinee and afterwards went to, I think, Sai Venkateswara Bed House in T. Nagar.
But these days who will allow same thing every day? Nobody. If you don’t change every two weeks means you are old-fashioned. Madam/ Sir, you also be very careful in your office. U.S.-return MBA fellows will come in suit-boot and say many things. Stop newspaper, this is 2019. Start website immediately. Then you will start website. Then accountant will come and say, hello congratulations, I have done calculations and revenue for last quarter is ₹17 and 50 paisa before electricity bill. Good news is that from tomorrow free time for everybody because everybody termination.
Anyway Irumbu Pookal story is what I want to tell in this letter. Three days back Mrs. Mathrubootham came running and said, “Old man come immediately. I have got Irumbu Pookal DVD after so many years.” I said, “Kamalam, of course, we will watch this moment itself; I will never forget this film from 1991, the same year we purchased mattress that has never been changed.”
One for TV, one for DVD
We sat down. I put DVD inside DVD player. And then I pressed remote control button. Nothing. What nonsense. I pressed again. Nothing. I pressed and pressed. Nothing whatsoever. Stupid remote control.
Madam/ Sir, till two weeks back whether any problem was there? Never. One remote for TV. One remote for DVD player. One remote for home theatre. One more remote is there but nobody knows what it is for. Full and full happy situation. And then what happened? Son happened. I have mentioned before my son who is working from home everyday like Pablo Escobar. At least, Escobar went on plane to foreign countries sometimes.
This fellow is saying, “My god, appa, this is the year 2019 and you are still using one dozen remotes like Jambavan period? I will get universal remote.” Next day, all remotes gone. Instead one new universal remote came. Then we had one week intensive tuition for using.
“Kamalam,” I said, “remote is not working. Your son has destroyed my life yet again.”
She said, “I am going to make lunch, you please solve this problem fast. I have to return DVD in the evening.” I called my son.
“Hello Mandashiromani Mathrubootham, stupid remote is not working. Where is the old remote?”
He said, “Appa, it is inside one cardboard box under the bed.” “Which bed?” “Appa, it is under your bed. Just underneath the hole from mosquito coil fire.” “What fire what nonsense you are talking, who is this, sorry wrong number, I will report to cyber police.”
Madam/ Sir, unfortunately gap between bed and floor is too small for my hand due to large bone structure. Mrs. Mathrubootham can easily do but why to put atom bomb inside volcano.
So movie DVD is gone. Remote is gone. But at least wife is there.
Yours in cinematic frustration,
J. Mathrubootham
