Lend me your ears: TV news fellows are all the same

July 14, 2018 04:05 pm | Updated July 15, 2018 09:23 am IST

Respected Sir/Madam,

You work in newspaper and all ok. And maybe it is not your problem. But excuse me why does every bloody nonsense fellow on news channel speak like my ex-colleague one Mr. Dayanantham from Erode.

Have I told you stories about Dayanantham? Let me refresh the memory.

You cannot even say one thing to Dayanantham. Not even one thing. You ask him for one small thing and he will give English medium college drama troupe type dialogue.

Excuse me Mr. Mathrubootham, he will say, walking out of the strong room clapping his hands slowly, this is how you will perpetrate your tyrannical dictatorship on the free speech and free thoughts of the underclass. Why? Power. The madness of power. The zeal of power. The intoxication of power! Power corrupts the mind, Mathrubootham. And when the mind is lost all humanity is lost.

And I will say, Dayanantham, what nonsense you are talking. I just asked you to arrange passbook in alphabetical order of surname. If you can’t do, just tell me, please don’t turn my brain into muttaikose poriyal.

Or sometimes when we open branch again after New Year everyone will ask manager please give motivational speech during morning meeting. And manager will say no, no, what speech, what can I say, you only say something. Then suddenly without warning Dayanantham will stand up and he will start. Brothers and sisters, lend me your years. Let me ask you a question friends. What is time? What is this invisible demon that rules mortal affairs?

At this moment, I will secretly indicate to peon to bring stick used for rolling shutter. So that I can secretly insert into electricity socket and hope for at least two hours unconscious.

TV news fellows are exactly the same. Nonstop over-acting and over-dialogue. Some poor fellow will come on TV and say please do something about potholes, I fell into three potholes today while trying to purchase morning milk. Then presenter will start. WHAT IS THIS DEMOCRACY IF THERE IS POTHOLE? IS POTHOLE THE REASON GANDHI DIED FOR OUR COUNTRY? WHY DID GANDHI DIE FOR OUR COUNTRY? WHY NOBODY ELSE DIED? WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD? GANDHI GAVE HIS LIFE AND YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE FALLING INTO POTHOLE? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. IN YOUR POSITION I WOULD HAVE JUMPED INTO POTHOLE OVER AND OVER TILL INDIA BECAME NUMBER ONE COUNTRY!

Sir/ madam, then you should see the face of poor pothole man. In Tamil there is a saying. Why did you take cobra from the fence and put it inside your lungi? Same cobra-lungi look on his face.

Because of the tension I switched off the TV and went outside on the balcony to sit and relax. I took one cup tea. I look at next door balcony and what do I see sir/ madam? My friend and neighbour Mr. Balaraman is standing upside down on his head. Hello Balaraman, what you are doing balcony yoga, I said.

Sir/ madam do you know what he was doing? He told me. Mathrubootham, I am trying to break a world record.

I said, if you have nonsense thoughts like this standing properly then you should never think of going upside down.

He said no, no, did you see news of man with longest fingernails in the world?

I said yes, I vomited for three hours after that.

Mathrubootham, they took him to U.S. for special function and his nails will be kept in museum. So I thought, maybe I can also break some easy world record and become famous. What do you think Mathrubootham? Give some ideas.

Sir/ madam, I have an idea. I will break the world record for maximum time spent inside flat without watching news or talking to other human beings.

Idiots everywhere.

Yours in total exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham

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