For members only: J. Mathrubootham on wasting time in clubs

April 07, 2018 05:29 pm | Updated 08:08 pm IST

Respected Sir/ Madam,

Hope everything is fine at your esteemed newspaper.

I had one doubt. Whether one day you will write letter to me also or I should just sit and write letter on top of letter without any response whatsoever like Dr. Shankaramenon applying for Madras Club? Once a month please send some letter to Mr. Mathrubootham also. But no compulsion.

How many times I have told Dr. Shankaramenon, doctor why you want to join all these clubs and waste money. What is the need? Let me give free advice. You put safari suit, sit at home, switch off all the lights except one zero bulb, pour one peg, put some Titan watch advertisement music on stereo system, lock the door so wife or children cannot enter, and then sit quietly for 40 minutes. Same as club entertainment, but you will save lakhs and lakhs of rupees.

But whether he will listen? Never. Poor fellow is constantly applying for membership here and there. Indha club. Andha club. Maharaja club. East India Club. West India Club. Army Club. Navy Club. Lions Club. Deer Club. Kangaroo Club. Whether any success? One big jackfruit zero.

Once a month he will call up and say Mathrubootham, today there is final interview at Mannangkatti Society of India Madras Chapter, please pray for me. And I will say, why doctor why you are again and again wasting your time?

He will say what you think, I want to spend my retirement years sitting at home and reading novel or having coffee with retired bank employee fellows?

Excuse me, bloody fool doctor, what is wrong with bank employee?

How dare you? Mr. Mathrubootham, you maintain your decency, I am not talking about you, but I didn’t work so hard to waste retirement years in Ganga Sweets.

You shut up, you criminal fellow, work hard it seems. Whole day give Crocin to 50% of patients and Anacin to 50% of patients and then act as if you have done some Padma Bhushan social service.

Ha ha ha ha, stupid Mathrubootham! As if sitting inside one parrot cage and giving people ₹20 whole day is Nobel Prize for Economics.

And then Mrs. Mathrubootham will grab the phone from my hand before both of us get cardiac arrest.

This morning I saw Dr. Shankaramenon in yoga class. Doctor, what happened to application for Muttaal Chamber of India membership, I asked. But not looking directly in his face because of phone call tension.

He said, Mr. Mathrubootham, I was just waiting to give you update. Not even the dirt on the bottom of my sandals will enter that club again. Shameless colonial mentality fellows still treating Indians like second class citizens. This is club or Buckingham Palace? They gave membership but I threw it in their face. Shall we go for coffee after yoga, Mathrubootham?

Sir/ Madam, during coffee, I made one joke. Dr. Shankaramenon, I said, let us start our own club. He replied Mr. Mathrubootham! Rebecca Rebecca! You are a great man! Let us start this club with immediate effect. Today itself. Here itself.

Who is Rebecca, I asked? You mean eureka?

But Dr. Shankaramenon had gone far away in his thoughts. Stop wasting time Mathrubootham. What will be the name of the club? We should have some good logo with elephants and bow & arrow and coconut palm. Also have you thought about motto? Something in Greek or Latin or Sanskrit like habeas corpus.

Next two hours he planned full details of our club. Dr. Shankaramenon will be the president and myself treasurer. I told him doctor, shall we invite all our friends into this club?

Never, he said. As president I have decided that we will not accept any new member for at least six months. We should be highly exclusive club Mathrubootham, what do you think?

Rebecca Rebecca, I said.

Yours in exasperation, J. Mathrubootham

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