Average intelligence on Earth has come down by 10 points, says Mr. Mathrubootham

‘My children have you thought about life in your retirement age?’

Updated - March 18, 2018 01:40 pm IST

Published - March 17, 2018 04:13 pm IST

 Stephen Hawking, painted portrait, courtesy Organ Museum, Abode of Chaos.

Stephen Hawking, painted portrait, courtesy Organ Museum, Abode of Chaos.

Respected Sir/Madam,

What to say, only that we are living in 100% kalikaalam these days. All the buffoons are becoming president and prime minister and starting political party and all. Meanwhile all the intelligent fellows and useful members of society are dying. By the time I am gone from the world, our society will be like climax of superhit 1986 Priyadarshan Malayalam film Mazha Peyyunnu Maddalam Kottunnu in which entire cast of hero and heroine and villain and side-hero and side-villain and Kerala Police and all are fighting each other inside a marriage hall looking for gold treasure.

Non-stop comedy. Mrs. Mathrubootham and I went for first day first show and laughed and laughed like diesel generator. Next day I went to sleep with garlic in my armpit in order to get mild fever, then took three days sick leave, and we saw film six times.

Sir/ Madam, whenever you get chance in your office please assemble all your youth employees in conference room. And then ask them, “My children have you thought about life in your retirement age?” All these fellows will say all kinds of nonsense like: “Sir, retirement life will be full enjoyment, we will sit at home and use mobile phone app to order drone, and pay with digital wallet, and then drone will come with robot, and robot will use artificial intelligence and make mini tiffin lunch and I will just relax with cappuccino and do Facebook with my cousin on Mercury.”

And you must say: “Shut up, you fools. This is your retirement future,” and then you must show them climax of Mazha Peyyunnu.. . Now itself I am saying some North Indian fellow will say, “What is this maaza? Mara? Why you write it mazha and pronounce it mara?” Terminate him on the spot without notice period. Only then lesson will be learnt.

And now, latest tragedy is that Stephen Hawking has also passed away. A sad day for all fans of theoretical physics and astrophysics such as myself and Mrs. Mathrubootham. Average intelligence of Earth itself has come down by 10 points.

I was just doing early morning pre-breakfast yoga when my son came running into my room with the news. “ Aana madaya ,” I said, “how many times I have told you not to give me bad news during yogasana. Suddenly if I get heart attack means imagine the humiliation when ambulance fellows come and think why is this man’s hands and legs like one Manapparai murukku?”

My son said, “Appa, he was a great man, he had so many great ideas about stars and galaxies and black holes and all. It is a great loss.”

“Oho is it, then tell one or two ideas,” Mrs. Mathrubootham said.

My son said, “Oh no, one urgent phone call is coming, I will come back shortly with detailed response.”

Sir/ Madam, this is the greatest tragedy these days. When people are alive we don’t have even five minutes to appreciate their work. But the moment they die everyone will put Parthiban Kanavu level story on Facebook about how Stephen Hawking or Sridevi or somebody was the greatest inspiration of their life and now life has no meaning, how is it possible to even think of normal life again. Then after not even 15 minutes they will put one close-up photo of veg biryani with Marina beach in the background and eagle in the sky with caption: “Soar like the eagle and life will soar with you and give biryani.”

Sir/ Madam, you may be thinking what this old man is talking about black holes and all. Actually when I was in college I told my father I wanted to become scientist at Physical Research Laboratory. My father said, “How many branches this PRL is having?” I said, “Only one in Ahmedabad.” He said, “Don’t waste your time, Bank of India has hundreds of branches, chance is better, you work there only.”

Yours in apprehension,

J. Mathrubootham

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