Supermom syndrome

“Four pieces of cake and five family members. ‘I don’t like cake,’ said mum.”

The absurdity of this viral Mothers’ Day meme made me cringe. But oddly enough, all I could find in the comments were platitudes extolling the sacrificial nature of mothers.

Sacrificing supermom syndrome, the delusional belief of a mother genetically hardwired to prioritise all things for all people in her life, while sublimating her own needs, has been perpetuated by folklore, romanticised by cinema and propagated by social media.

The sacrificing supermom syndrome and stereotype are an aberration and abomination on many counts. It starts with the dexterous duplicity of “deifying” her while denying her due.

According to the Global Gender Gap Report, 2022, India ranks 135 among 146 countries in gender equality. On survival and health, one of the four key dimensions, the nation’s rank is 146. The Government of India’s National Family Health Survey (NFHS) states that almost one in three married women in 18-49 age group faces domestic violence (and that is taking into account only those who dare to report). The cake meme cannot be dismissed as a metaphorical trifle. It is an established fact that too often, women and girls eat least and last.

What is surprising is that a trope that originated in single-income families, with the mother as the stay-at-home caregiver, soldiers on even in the day and age of the working woman. Journalist Annabel Crabb puts it succinctly: “The obligation for working mothers is a very precise one: the feeling that one ought to work as if one did not have children, while raising one’s children as if one did not have a job.” Ironically, even an icon like Indra Nooyi unwittingly fuels the supermom myth by maintaining that there can never be a work-life balance but only a constant “juggle”.

Stereotypes are powerful. The little girl who is watching the supermom will grow up to be a woman who thinks it is her responsibility to put herself last. The little boy will grow up to be a man who expects unreasonable sacrifice from his wife. The problem with putting others first is that you teach them that you come last.

An astonishing research finding is that supermom is such a self-fulfilling social construct that supermom cannot tolerate superdad, because when husbands are skilful caregivers, women feel guilty and their self-competence is threatened. Thus the supermom syndrome also tends to nurture its corollary — the clueless dad.

Dear supermom, the next time there are four pieces of cake and five family members, grab a knife. To redivide the cake and carve out a slice for yourself. And a space as well.

madhu.mathen@yahoo.com