There are a few actions we perform without applying our mind — some out of sheer force of habit, some out of reverence for tradition and a few to conform to social demands. Visiting the sick in hospital falls under the last category and causes situations — funny as well as embarrassing.
My earliest recollection is of an occasion, some 40 years ago, when my brother was admitted to hospital for a minor surgery. Two cousins and a friend were in his room. As he was free from any pain and we were all carefree as only youth can be, there was an air of bonhomie. We were having a good time with the cut and thrust of repartee and witticisms. Then entered a middle-aged nurse, bearing a tray with injection vials and tablets. Like schoolboys caught behind the bush smoking cigarettes by the headmaster, we braced ourselves for a reprimand. Imagine our surprise when the nurse looked at the tray, then at us and said, with a twinkle in her eye, “Can one of you introduce the patient to me? I don't want to treat the wrong person.” Needless to say, we all trooped out feeling sheepish. But such nurses, I dare say, belong to a rare species.
Since then, over the years, I have become a veteran of sorts in this field of activity. There seems to be almost a set pattern in the conduct of this ritual. At least a few would mention the traffic snarl on this overbridge or that subway. There would be complaints about the weather — whether hot, cold or humid. Then there is the eternal grouse about fleecing by autorickshaw drivers. The patient, indeed, would have to be a highly insensitive person if he does not feel guilty about putting so many people to discomfort and expense.
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Then someone would casually mention how he had missed his evening coffee in his hurry to reach the hospital. That is the cue for the patient and the attendant to rise to the occasion and fulfil their obligations as hosts. After a round of consultations, the order will be placed. It is well known that prices at hospital canteens would at least be twice the normal rates. I feel, if visitors are barred, the hospital bill would be reduced at least by one-third. Hardly have the visitors begun to do justice to the fare, when the duty-conscious floor nurse walks in to check the blood pressure of the patient which, at this time, I presume, would be rather high. Really, the hospital staff should be trained in aspects of etiquette — one of them being not to barge in when visitors are in full session.
Now commences the session with the patient. One would say, non- committally, fashion, as if not wishing to be quoted, that he hoped the recovery would be quick. Another would not let this go by. He would warn the patient that he had a friend who suffered from a similar complaint and had a relapse but was lucky enough to survive. A third would peruse the medical regimen and point out what these medicines would do to his innards, working at cross purposes — his sole claim to medical expertise being the fact he became a graduate in chemistry after three attempts. You could actually see the patient growing paler by the moment.
Amid all this, there is a byplay. Some young ladies gravitate towards a corner and indulge in a whispered conversation — probably a character analysis (or assassination?) of their respective mothers-in-law. And oh, I almost forgot. Add two or three children under 10 and you get the complete picture.
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I wonder how all this will be viewed from the patient's perspective. I have so far escaped admission to hospital. But in such an event, I will insist on being accommodated in the ICU for the entire duration of my stay. That is the only safe place.
(The writer's email ID is kooramsri@rediffmail.com)