In June, I had travelled from Munich to Berlin to attend, and report on, a ‘death café’ meet. Having heard about a burgeoning interest in talking about death in Europe, I was curious to know what kind of people turned up at these meets. Nihilists? Terminally ill patients? People recovering from loss? Academics and writers? The idea was as fascinating as it was morbid.
Before booking my tickets, I emailed the founder of this movement, the U.K.-based Jon Underwood. Jon, 44, sent me a detailed reply and then signed off rather ominously: “I hope you enjoy your experience with Death Café.”
The meet was interesting and the people normal — only one quirky character turned up. Everyone exchanged notes on how to cope with loss and compared the way different cultures view death. The session was mediated by a young, soft-spoken woman called Zyi from China. Zyi had held many such sessions in her country and seemed keen on making us awkward participants feel at ease.
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After the meet, I pinged Zyi on Facebook asking for photographs. Two days later, on June 27, when I was typing the story, I saw that she had sent me an attachment. I clicked on the link later — and froze. They were not the promised photographs; Zyi had sent me the link to a tribute. Jon had died from undiagnosed leukaemia the day I was writing a story on him and his work.
Underwood’s family posted that the irony of the situation did not escape them. Surprisingly, they said his work gave them comfort. “He was a great man,” his wife wrote announcing his death. “I wish I’d told him this when he was here rather than wasting time hassling him about the washing up.”
Her message reminded me of Natalie, a social worker who had come for the meet. Natalie had recounted the story of a man whom she had known closely and who had killed himself. “Maybe if I had told him how wonderful he was, he may have changed his mind?” she had shrugged. Her voice was filled with regret.
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It also reminded me of the death of a close friend a decade ago — I didn’t remember telling him often enough how lovely he was either.
Speaking to many people made me realise one thing. Many live their lives in fear of their deaths or the deaths of their loved ones, which is why Jon began this initiative. Don’t fear the inevitable, he said. But caught in this paranoia about the future, many, it seems, simply don’t appreciate the people around them in life and sadly carry this burden of regret when their loved ones are gone.
Perhaps we should first start talking about the living.