Dear Agony Akka,
Myself 30 years, BA pass, decent family. Recently I have been to friend’s birthday party and while returning home at 9 p.m. suddenly current went off. Friend’s house is little far but I was on foot because no money to put petrol in motorcycle. Dark made me scared. Mother also started to worry. Of course, you will ask why grown-up man is feeling scared but what to do. Lots of people roaming around like farmers and activists, anti-nationals and loudly talking women. Mother is telling earlier women never raised voice. Akka, I am unemployed since two years but more than job or petrol price I am worried about nation safety and safety of innocent men like me who are pious and doing all rites. Can you suggest any self-defence I can employ during such outings?
— Petrified Uncle & Stressed Son
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I completely understand your uneasiness and nervousness. It is only natural to feel like this when you are unemployed and still living with your mother at the age of 30. It is high time you…. oops, sorry, wrong reply.
Let’s begin again. You are 100% right. National security is of paramount concern. You must be prepared at each and every moment to fight for your Motherland and Defend Her From Enemies.
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Some unkind people might argue that The Motherland’s greatest enemies are skyrocketing fuel prices and unemployed men but you must learn to ignore them. What do they know of India who only India know? You, on the other hand, are well aware of all the bogeymen who hide under your bed and lurk in the streets, always ready to pop out as soon as the government has important work to do like holding elections.
Now, help is at hand. An intrepid entrepreneurial company called Apasteron Pvt. Ltd., domiciled in that great frontier of development that is Uttar Pradesh, has invented a brand new patriotic set of weapons, with deadly potential and also rooted in India’s Great Traditions.
The first one is the Trishul. What’s to invent, you are asking? Ah, but this is not garden-variety trishul found in temples and peaceful anti-farmer rallies. This Brahmastra has electric current. Apparently, you press a button and the trishul starts to buzz like mosquito bat and you can “make the enemy temporarily ineffective.”
In the video, company spokesman explains helpfully that it can also be used to puncture cars. (I have written mail asking about efficacy against Chennai autos.)
The second astra , called Sapper Punch, is glove with battery pack strapped to the wrist. Here too, you press a button and wham, enemy gets “shock and awe” treatment.
In interview to news agency, company executive repeatedly mentions how these cutting-edge weapons will be very useful against Chinese. I fear he might be a little behind the times. Maybe he started inventing during golden Maurya Age but got patent only now when already enemies are using X-26 Taser guns and Sponge Grenades.
But no need to get depressed. It is very limiting to think Chinese are only enemy. These weapons can be deployed equally well against loud-talking women, anti-tradition reservation seekers, dhobi who tears kurta, brands using Urdu words, etc. You can ask Dejavu Surya to read from list.
Once you sell off your mother’s gold chain and buy these weapons, you can walk home at any time and never feel scared. You can even protect neighbourhood women from bangle-sellers and love jihadis. After this, no need for boring job. You are meant for more piercing things.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com