On the right side of equal

Making an argument for why we should all embrace the ‘unfairness’ that is life

The world is an unfair place. It was never intended to be built the same for everyone. No, that would be hell. You can visit this lair d’enfer , if you’d like, maybe for a curious glimpse — just find any GenZ-run hipster coffee place in your locality.

For anyone born before Y2K, the whole idea of equality was an unknown concept. It was also an unwanted one; if someone strived to be better then surely they deserved the merit that came with it. The idea sits well with the whole don’t judge a fish by its ability to cycle axiom. I mean if a salmon won the Tour de France tomorrow, I’d pay top dollar to go see it on the podium even if the yellow jersey is a hard tonal clash against its innate pink.

Once we accept that the world is as level a playing field as a spike strip on an F1 track, it becomes easier to acknowledge and reconcile the differences. Here then are five things you can do to show your tolerant and accommodating nature.

1.Wash colours and whites together: For too long has mankind discriminated and segregated on the basis of colour. Start there. Stick your white shirts and tie n’dye shorts in the same wash cycle. Don’t give either any special treatment, just the same temperature, detergent and fabric softener. Whatever the outcome, it will be the true shade of equality.

2.No meals in courses: Hors d’oeuvre is a ridiculous name for a course. Imagine starting a meal when you are at your hungriest and being faced with a course you can’t even pronounce. By the time the cheese comes, you are in too much of a food coma to care. Similarly, the law of diminishing marginal utility ensures that we all waste the dessert and never pay enough attention to it. The pâtissière, I am sure, feels like that lifeguard by the Olympic swimming pool, a benched player who nobody asks for an autograph, while the chefs are serenaded like gladiators. Well, no more courses. All food is equal. Just bring me the sweet dishes and the potato sides to begin with and forget the horses’ ovaries!

3.

Outside

f

ood

i

nclusiveness: Too many establishments profit off this idea of not allowing me to bring my own food in. This discrimination has to stop. If inside food can be taken out then certainly outside food has the right to apply for immigration and be brought in. I promise you that once it’s inside, it won’t try and convert the inherent cuisine of your outlet.

4.Succulentsham: What kind of a plant sucks up all the water and bloats worse than me after a pizza meal? Just like millennial parenting, it’s a sham. You don’t have a green thumb if you grow succulents, just a fat one because it just sits around doing no work. Other plants struggle to survive outside in the heat and rain, some blossom once a decade, but these smug suckers get all the indoor climate-controlled attention. Either put them out with the rest or else invite nature in.

5.Murderchivalry: The idea that either sex should be expected to do anything for the other is so cancel-worthy. Let everyone open their own doors, carry their own luggage, and split all bills equally. Maybe remove the idea of separate teams for men and women in sports too. Let them all battle it out.

Follow these rules and the idea of bringing a knife to a gunfight will become obsolete as everybody will move around armed to their teeth. And maybe then we can all live peacefully in the fear of equality.

This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.