Now that we’re all equally fed up of hiding our anxieties under sunny, positive messages, let’s be diplomatically incorrect instead. Hint: do this quiz in front of the mirror, not a cell phone in selfie mode.
1. You stocked up toilet rolls only because everyone else did? You’ve got five points. You’ve also got enough toilet rolls now to audition for The Mummy Returns (whenever it returns, given that time travel may also be banned).
2. Five points if you told your kids to get off their phones. Five more if you sent them messages on their phones to get off their phones.
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3. If you’ve subjected your colleagues on any Zoom call to any embarrassing noise, by forgetting to unmute, add five points. If you pretended to scrape the chair to cover the embarrassing noise, another five points. No one was fooled, by the way.
4. Your online life kept you alive. Five points if your status said ‘Busy’ but you were actually scrolling through random posts. Five points if you liked videos you didn’t look through. Five more if you put LOL emojis on jokes you didn’t get.
5. What did you honestly complain loudest about? Five points each if you said virus, the economy, the lockdown and cyclones. And 20 points for protests in America.
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6. Innerwear sales dropped. Why do you need innerwear not when you’re in but only when you’re out? Five points if you don’t know what the answer is, 10 points if you don’t know what the question is.
7. No sports happened. Yet, fans stayed glued to sports channels, watching each old game again and again. That was the corner shot just before the opponents scored. You know they scored. You know you felt miserable. Will watching the opponents’ goal again or not watching it make you more miserable? No points, to make you even more miserable.
8. How many such quizzes did you do? Did you follow dots jumping around screens to check your eyesight, memory, mental age, to find your lockdown name, which live celeb you’re a twin of, which dead celeb you’re reborn as? No? Liar! Deduct 20 points.
Add up your points: if you scored less than 40, you’re not honest enough and we can’t believe you. If you scored 40 or over, you’re claiming to be so honest that it’s probably a lie. If you didn’t bother counting, congratulations, you’ve passed.
Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy , pokes her nose into our perfect lives.