When Bengaluru-based theatre practitioner Sujatha Balakrishnan and her daughter brought their new family member home, everyone seemed happy. But, for the wrong reasons. They would say, ‘Oh! The child is so blessed to have found such a home.’ Every time, Sujatha would correct them: “No, we are blessed.” Even today, a family’s decision to adopt is viewed and lauded as altruistic. But, it is as much a gain for the adoptee family as it is for the adopted child.
“Adoption is always seen as a substitute or an alternative. It is also believed that only the biological mother can take care of a child, which is untrue. Love can be showered by anybody,” says Sujatha who is ecstatic about the arrival of her grandchild.
On World Adoption Day, Sujatha’s Bengaluru-based Theatre for Change (TFC) will bring this aspect to light through an online series of intimate and informal conversations. She plans to have participants from across the globe.
ADVERTISEMENT
“The first segment will have first-person accounts and narratives of adoptee parents, both single and otherwise, grandparents and siblings. They will talk about how a family is defined not just by blood connection.” The second segment, directed mainly at children in a bid to sensitise them to adoption, will be a read-aloud event featuring stories by authors across the globe.
ADVERTISEMENT
Among the participants will be Naina Ballachand, a chartered accountant of Indian origin from Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA, whose 20-year-old adopted daughter joined their family at the age of 10. Here, Naina takes us through her personal journey of being an adoptee parent.
What prompted you to adopt?
There really was no catalyst for me to adopt. I enjoy the company of children. So when I got married, I thought [of having] four children… two biological and two adopted. My husband had no objection. I did not hit my plan of two and two. I ended up with one of each. It’s just who I am I guess.
What are the stereotypes associated with adoption that you encountered?
Most people told me that they would like to adopt as well, usually followed by a “but” — either they didn’t have the money or the time or their spouse didn’t want to. Obviously, they all thought that life had to be perfect to adopt a child. I always wanted to laugh. If only those with perfect lives adopted, no abandoned child would find a family. A child does not need a perfect family, just a family that loves them.
What were the initial reactions within your immediate family when you discussed your decision to adopt?
I grew up in an educated and fairly progressive family. My parents suggested that I wait to adopt after I have a biological child; they could just see everybody in the community talking about me — how I couldn’t have a child so I had to adopt. They were concerned that I wouldn’t have the same feelings for the adopted child. Once they realised I was going to do it, my mother was supportive. My father was neutral. I didn’t even tell my in-laws until I actually had my daughter with me.
Did those reactions change after your child joined the family?
My parents came to visit me in the US two months after I brought my daughter home. My nephew was at our home as well. The grandparents hung on to every word uttered by their two grandsons, completely ignoring my daughter. She brought it to my attention. She thought I had not noticed. I don’t think it was intentional... it was just not thoughtful. Anyway, to get their attention I had her bake cakes with me which we served with tea, every evening. She was happy when they complimented her baking. Since they never lived with us, they have never been close to her and will never be. Reality.
Do you feel that the emotional relationships that an adopted child has (especially if some family members are not accepting), could get complicated?
The ones I thought would be completely accepting took longer to get adjusted. The ones I thought would have a hard time, like my son, were completely accepting. For over a year after she came home, my daughter was my shadow. I had a hard time with that. I am sure she had a hard time in school more because she struggled with English. Many families [in the US] have complex units. She never faced issues in school for being adopted.
How did you tackle complicated situations?
When my daughter came home, she was 10. Understandably, she had formed a bond with her foster family in India. I did not limit her continued contact with them. However, it started becoming clear to me that my daughter saw me as someone who took her away from the family that loved her. She would cry at every call with her foster mother and she was not able to integrate with our family. I had to make a tough call.
I asked her to make a decision of whether she wanted to stay with us or go back to her foster family. She cried all day without giving me an answer and finally that evening we called the foster mother. It was a shock for my daughter to realise that her foster family would not adopt her if she went back to India and she would end up back in the orphanage. It was hard reality for my child but it was also the defining moment for her to let go of her old life and begin accepting her new life. She still feels traumatised when she thinks about that night.
Are there situations when parents need to provide an adopted child with extra care?
It is no different from a biological child. Each child is different and you have to give them the care and guidance that they need individually. Of course, how you do it as a parent is coloured by the parent’s personality and experiences. Children adopted or biological do not come with an instruction manual; as a parent you learn and make mistakes and do the best you can.
What will your dialogue during the Theatre for Change event focus on?
I believe everyone who comes into your life has a reason and purpose. My adopted child was meant to be with us and the little signs that made it obvious, is the focus of my dialogue for the Theatre for Change event.
The digital compilation of the events can be viewed on TFC’s YouTube channel .