Dialogue With Dr Funky

Humour | It’s all in the mind, or perhaps not?

Illustration: Sreejith R Kumar

There are days when deep-diving into His Divine Wiseness, Dr Funky Astral Kumar’s life-saving quotes alone doesn’t do it for me. I need a live, one-on-one exchange with him from time to time to have my faith in life restored. I’m blessed that Guruji gave me a tatkal entry. Given below, for the benefit of his fans from across the globe, is the gist of our life-affirming exchange.

His Divine Wiseness: Why are you here, my son?

Me: Feeling a bit down, Guruji. So I wanted to see you.

HDW (

smiling mystically ): Do the sirasasana , son. Immediately.

Me: Why, Guruji? Is it... er... because blood will rush to my head and make me feel better?

HDW (

laughing supernaturally ): You’d think that, but no. Didn’t you say you were down? What happens when you stand on your head? Down becomes Up. And Up becomes Down. Proving that it is all a matter of perception, leading to the divine union of the feminine–masculine in the yin-yang of the jingbang. More importantly, when you do the

asana , your wallet will fall out and we will be able to take your credit card without troubling you.

Me ( sobbing gratefully ): Dhanyosmi , Astral Guruji, dhanyosmi .

HDW: What else ails you, my son? Tell me fearlessly.

Me: Why are they making a sequel to Gadar: Ek Prem Katha , Guruji? Why now? Isn’t the world suffering enough?

HDW: Do you know what Bhishma Pitamaha said as he lay dying on a bed of arrows?

Me: What did he say, Guruji?

HDW ( scrolling on his phone ): I don’t know. That’s why I asked you. I’m taking part in a closed-group quiz for Gurujis.

Me: Oh... okay... but what about Gadar’ s sequel, Guruji, if you don’t mind?

HDW ( smiling paranormally ): What is a sequel, my child? It is a continuation, isn’t it? Gadar Part 2 is just an example of the space-time continuum... with Sunny Paaji taking up space in our time. It is all Maya... Memsaab . It could have been far worse. Imagine if they’d made a sequel to Singh Saab The Great . Next question.

Me: I have an inexplicable ache in my stomach, Guruji. I’ve had a bunch of tests done, docs say there isn’t a thing wrong with me but it continues to worry me.

HDW: Come close, my son.

I obeyed Guruji.

Ker-thwack!

Me: Neeyabba ! What the? Why did you punch me so hard in the stomach, Guruji?

HDW: Does it hurt?

Me: Yes ( sobbing ) like hell.

HDW ( tittering metaphysically ): See, now you know the cause of your stomach ache. Next question.

Me ( wiping away my tears ): My istriwalla Marimuthu has no respect for me, Guruji. Despite my repeated requests, he irons my jeans with a front crease. This is disturbing me, Your Wiseness.

HDW ( shoulders shaking in silent laughter ): So simple. Just wear your jeans sideways. The crease will go to either side then.

Me: But if I turn my jeans sideways, won’t I be able to wear only one leg? What about my other side?

HDW: Do you have another pair?

Me: Yes.

HDW: Wear them on the other leg. Simple.

Me: Guruji... er... wouldn’t it be simpler to send my jeans to another istriwalla ?

HDW: Wrong. That is an admission of weakness. Do you know what Bakasura said to the villager when he came to offer himself as food?

Me: No, Guruji. What did he say?

HDW ( giggling psychically ): Apply ginger-garlic paste on yourself and wait a bit. I am chopping the onions and coriander.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.