Life was probably easier for the man and woman who lived decades before us. The woman cooked, cleaned and looked after the children. Roles were clearly defined and there was no confusion.
Then things changed. The woman started stepping out of the house. She started working. She voted. She made decisions about birth control, then child birth, child care, housework, grocery, utility bills - all the while precariously balancing her career, her individuality and self-worth with her serious responsibility of bringing up her kids.
While her man still sat deer-in-headlights in front of the idiot box, grunting in response to his woman’s seemingly insane rants and cribs and cries for help.
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Somewhere in the middle of all the jugglery the woman realised her man could become more than a uni-dimensional contributor. She pushed him to help kids with the homework in the evenings, give them a bath or read to them before bed, pay a bill or two online, chop some vegetables for dinner or even pack a lunch dabba first thing when he woke up in the morning (things he never imagined he could do)
It was confusing for him - this metamorphosis from ‘provider-only’ to ‘nurturer also’. She complimented him while he complemented her. Slowly the traditional definitions that we dearly clung to, started withering away. While society became more accepting of a gender-role ambivalent situation and the man was getting used to his emancipated woman, there was a muddle of unlearning to do. Bread winning was not only the forte of the man. A couple could choose not to have children. Women and men could choose to remain single.
Society grappled with the new norms – we could be appreciative of a woman who gave up her career for her kids because it could comfort some age-old belief that we unconsciously held onto. But when a man did, we had to suppress that involuntary snigger because it seemed foolish, almost feminine. Then there were “lean in” theories from hi-flying successful women corporate women honchos like Sandy Sandberg asking us women to keep leaning into our support systems without compromising on either career or personal lives and Rosa Brooks’ telling us to “recline” or miss out on the simpler joys of living – all adding to the muddle on where we draw those lines.
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Says Asha John, a working mom of three teenage boys, “For most of us city dwelling nuclear double income families, the equations need to be necessarily worked out and there is no practical scope for the man to play the traditional role of protector and provider and the woman to play nurturer. Roles are now easily fungible and that’s the only way forward.” She adds laughing, “My boys help us with cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery. My husband and I hope that by example we have taught them that there is nothing lowly for a man to pick up a broom or sport an apron!”
Says Rani Mathew, a grandmom of five, “While I agree that the men have had to ‘step-up’ in the last few years, I firmly believe that there are certain inherent characteristics a woman and especially a mother is blessed with. She adds smiling, “In my experience no one can provide the same nurturing maternal warmth, care and emotional bonding that a mother can provide to her children and being there to listen to them during their formative, adolescent, teenage years and beyond and men who can do this are a rarity!”
Says Sheeba Sahay, a mom of an eight year old, “I still know my mom is on that side of the line teaching her girl grandchild to tidy tables and fold laundry but I have friends who are happy stay-at-home-dads!” She adds, “Our next generation boys and girls need to be trained in keeping house, but we will have to work harder in ensuring that our boys unlearn and relearn expectations that they will potentially have from their future mates!”
So maybe some of us men and women still fester some confusion, but let’s teach our lads and lasses by example – let the jumble regarding pre-defined gender roles end with our generation.