In a Tamil movie that was released about a decade back, the protagonist sacrifices his love and compromises in his personal life to bring up his three younger brothers. One of the brothers aged about twelve refuses to go to school without a cycle as it is a long way off. The hero can’t afford a cycle and offers to take the boy on his shoulders. He even runs like that when it gets late. The intention of the director is to display the attachment of the hero to his younger brothers and this scene is probably an attempt to showcase this sentiment movingly. Actually, it seemed more mushy than practical. By not explaining the situation to a boy who is perfectly capable of understanding it, this expression of love would stunt the boy’s progress rather than support it.
Soft love which only gives in to demands is a sure fire way of setting up a child for failure in life. Life is not a bed of roses and the child has to understand that rights and restraints go hand in hand. Dollops of love can of course be doled out in huge portions. Equally, care must be taken to garnish such servings with good habits and embellish with discipline and behavioural regulations. A totally laissez faire and lenient upbringing would amount to sparing the reality and spoiling the child.
Just as it is with parenting, so is it with counselling on an issue, coaching for a skill or mentoring at work. The tightening of the solar plexus while coping with ridicule, anxiety or disappointment is an experience that the counselled has to go through and cross over himself. Bruises and growth pangs need to be endured if the person under coaching needs to surge ahead. Failures and a couple of burns from the red hot stove are inevitable when a mentee proceeds to realize his wisdom at work. While the swimming lessons are learnt, the guardian, counsellor, coach or mentor can wait on the shore to provide moral support or to aid in an emergency.
ADVERTISEMENT
Ships are safest in the harbour but they are not meant to be there. While it may be cute to watch children play with shells and sand on the sea shore, they can’t do it throughout their lives; they would need to set sail themselves and have to be trained for that. Dress rehearsals need to start; they need to be prepared to handle the central stage and lime light in main roles. An empathetic shoulder may always be lent to lean on temporarily, but never to take the load off completely.
Be it home or work, it is inappropriate to believe that rushing to make decisions for others or to solve their problems is an expression of support or love. There could be exceptional situations where this nevertheless needs to be done, but not as a rule. The person who faces an issue should know to wash his face and spruce up. Expecting to be molly cuddled and wallowing in self pity is no solution.
Giving refuge to a person within the pleats of our dress doesn’t tuck away the problem. Our momentary feel of ‘being in charge’ makes the other person feeble forever. On the other hand, handholding for a while and empowering people to make decisions and solve problems themselves is true love. Making them aware that they have to bear the consequences of their decision while a gentle helping hand is just an arm’s length away is also part of this deal. The basic truth is that no one can live another’s life and each one has to learn to stand on his own feet sooner or later. The joy of love is not in driving the other’s plane for him. It is in supporting him to take off by himself and feel the pride within, as he soars higher.
ADVERTISEMENT
True love is indeed tough love, though it seems an oxymoron. Tough love strengthens; it is not conditional love that degenerates into emotional blackmail and expects a muffled response. A butterfly would have to struggle its way out of its cocoon if it were to fly into the sky. Trying to help and draw it out wouldn’t be love or compassion; it would be damaging its wings and freedom forever. True love neither subdues nor succumbs; it just extends and hopes… with a soft and firm smile from the heart…
(The writer may be contacted at smilinglyyours7@gmail.com)