Are you the right mate?

Years ago, along with tearful goodbyes, brides received a clutch of instructions on how to be a ‘good wife' — look nice when he returns home; talk to him with affection; keep the house clean; have a hot meal ready; listen; don't argue, complain, question; adjust; take care of his comfort.

Laughable, isn't it? “Shouldn't moms give their boys a handbook on ‘How to be an ideal (okay, that's far-fetched!), a good husband'?” asks Kavi, listing its contents. “Consider yourself lucky you have a wife; get a good job, keep it, come home whistling happily; wife isn't always dying to know how bad your day was; fix dinner; take over kids' duties on weekends; and handover pay-cheque to her...”

The tips

Counsellor Brinda Jayaraman's good-husband tips fall into four areas —emotional, sexual, financial and social, with problems in the first three impinging on the fourth. “Participate in what she does, to show you care; recognise her needs as an equal sexual partner; be transparent about your finances while allowing her spending space; learn to respect her and her relationship with her family,” she says. Viewing wife with fear, insecurity and suspicion makes you a poor husband. Be alive to her feelings; order dinner if she looks tired (stir the

sambar if she's answering the phone!); take interest in what she does; demonstrate how important she is to you...

Brinda believes men need pre-marriage orientation. They need to learn about the balance between mother and wife; about his roles as partner and son-in-law. Women have cultural bindings that hold the marriage; he has to work at it. Appreciate her strengths, she says. “Men always boast of the wife to friends, where do those words go when she is around? It's about supporting her individual growth.”

It's a simple do-it-yourself kit. Be a team player, think “our family” as opposed to “my family”. Be a patient listener — when your wife tells you her problems, she isn't necessarily looking for a solution; she's merely unburdening. Be respectful. Don't mock at the way she buys, dresses, cooks, or drives. Be sure to consult. Implementing plans is easier if both are involved. Remove ‘You won't understand' from your phrase list. Surprise her once in a while.

Women can see through the ‘If you love me, you'll do it' trap. Express your problems; tell her you are hurt, without making her responsible for them. Good communication is the key. And ah, remember, there's only one set of rules for both.

Hmmm… It's time we seriously looked into what someone said: “As a kid, I was taught to be a good student, kind sibling, loyal friend and efficient worker. I was advised on being a good son and father. At no point was I told how to be a good husband.”

WHAT MATTERS…

Help willingly, not because she nags

Make her laugh

Don't expect her undivided attention always

Remember ‘Marriage is not about finding the right mate, it's being the right mate'

Are you the right mate?

Enough of preaching to a wife about how she must be. Isn't it time someone told the husband how he must be

Related Topics