Keep them safe!

How parents can identify and deal with child sexual abuse.

“I was an athletic 10-year-old boy in a normal middle-class family. There was never a dearth of love or comfort and we had a good life. All that changed when one day I was invited over by a relatively well-known neighbour. I played a lot of games and this led to soreness and pain in my legs, which he offered to relieve with a massage. He started with my legs, but his hands moved upwards until he was feeling my private parts. Out of curiosity, I did not resist. However, he became more persistent and frequent. I felt threatened and wanted him to stop.”

Child sexual abuse (CSA) is receiving increased attention today due to the number of cases of rape and sexual assault that have been reported by the media. Addressing this is important because of the mental and psychological trauma it causes. The presence of the warning signs mentioned below does not mean the child has been sexually abused but it suggests that you should be asking pertinent questions.

Talk : Keep an open and healthy communication with your child. Talk to him/her everyday, no matter his/her age. Talk calmly, not authoritatively. Ask about the day, what he/she did and who he/she spent it with. If, at any point, the child shares his/her dislike for a specific person, stop to ask why. Do not get alarmed or carried away. Watch, ask, question. More often than not, the child will talk or share details about the abuse, or how he/she does not liked to be touched by that person. Do not jump to conclusions or insinuate sexual abuse. There could be another reason for the child’s fear.

Teach: Teach children the difference between good and bad touch. Touches that make you feel uncomfortable are ‘bad’. When an adult shares a film or a picture with sexual content or information, it is sexual abuse. Even watching a child change or bathe is child sexual abuse. Only children can decide who can touch or kiss them. They should know that they have the right to say ‘No’. Use the many books and films available on this topic to teach children about their bodies and how to be safe from abuse of any kind. All boys and girls should learn to distinguish between molestation and sincere touches of affection. This can be best learnt at home where they are taught not only the negative aspects of sex but also healthy sex education.

Assess: Once a child discloses abuse, an appropriate response is extremely important to the healing process. Denial is a powerful and age-old mechanism. As parents/care-givers, it is our responsibility to attend to the situation immediately.

Trust: Be supportive, understanding and, most importantly, believe in the child. It takes courage to discuss what the child has decided to share.

Collect evidence: Take him/her to a doctor and understand the extent of abuse. Get medical attention and gather evidence in the form of statements/reports. Be calm and patient. Do not discuss the matter before the child because that reinforces the trauma. Be discreet and respectful towards the child.

Reassure: Talk to him/her soothingly and gently. Do not touch if he/she is uncomfortable.

Action: Hear the child out and explain calmly and gently — if the child is old enough to understand — what you plan to do next. Filing an FIR along with evidence collected is an option. Confronting the perpetrator is an individual decision but is important as other children may be victimised as well.

When a child reveals abuse, a series of therapeutic interventions are important. The belief that the problems end when the abuse ends is false. In fact, this is the beginning of a long process of healing.

Child sexual abuse affects the child in its formative years. In an incestuous family, the social fabric is ruptured by this abusive relationship. This unfortunately goes unrecognised. The survivor who speaks out is held responsible for the family’s break up.

Is silence the right decision? Absolutely not. Living with the guilt and allowing the perpetrator to get away with it make life worse. Dealing with the abuse is the right way. How one deals with it depends on the family situation. While there are laws to deal with CSA, these can be effective only if more families resort to legal intervention. Simultaneously strong judgments must be passed to create fear among the perpetrators. Every survivor is a warrior of light, who has been through a most traumatising experience in a childhood that should have been a happy one. Several have survived and gone on to lead complete lives in every sense. Therefore, despite a difficult journey, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Warning signs

If the child is:

Distracted or day dreams more than usual

Fears or strongly expresses dislike towards certain people

Tries to express sexual hurt by drawings, conversations or writing about sexual behaviour

Exhibits uncharacteristic sexually suggestive behaviour

Bedwetting, crying or regressive behaviour in younger children

Mood changes, depression, erratic behaviour, angry or tearful outbursts without reason

Distancing or withdrawing oneself from friends and family

Significant changes in sleeping patterns and habits

Visible signs of violence, injuries or bleeding

Has sudden increase in toys or money

Has an older friend with whom he spends a lot of time

Refuses to talk about a secret shared

Nandi Shah is the founder of Ashraya, which conducts workshops on child sexual abuse, in corporation and urban schools and sensitisation programmes in the Police Training College.