Sangeet Naukri Ghusanewala, my boss at music placement agency Ullu Banao, stormed into office on Monday morning, dressed in black and with a funny mask on. He raised his right leg, did a somersault, fell backwards, crawled like a baby, singing “Rapper dude of the east, dig my inner beast.” His secretary Bulbul hadn't seen this avatar. “Are you okay sir?” she asked. His pet monkey Bandar Bhai copied his dance steps and proved he was much better.
Ghusanewala howled, “What an experience I had last night. I saw India's first reality show musical #SingIndiaSing . We all danced. A 90-year-old lady couldn't stop at the end. She had to be picked up by six people till she reached her car.”
I interrupted, “Was she dead or alive? And why this mask, sir?” Our man did another somersault, and rapped, “Am working with idiots who don't understand me, this mask is for Shweta, adorable is she.” It sounded Greek. But we couldn't challenge the boss.
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He continued, “Kansur, listen to me. There was this head of a TV channel who organises the show. He calls himself Channel. Egoistic and arrogant. Played by some Uday Bengal.” I corrected him, “It is Benegal, like the director Shyam.” Ghusanewala retorted, “Never heard of this Shyam. But there were Channel's sidekicks Dolly played by some famous actress. And The Hashtags, who looked like monkeys. And Rocky, played by one Brian Tennis.” I corrected him again, “It's Tellis, Sir.” Bulbul interrupted, “This sounds so familiar. Dolly is like me. The Hashtags, like Bandar Bhai. Rocky like Kansur Sir. And Channel like you.” Bandar Bhai put up a board saying ‘Egoistic. Arrogant’ and did a 70s jive.
Ghusanewala tried to divert the topic. He said, “There were these four contestants. Shweta wore the mask and sang for her sisters. Vishnu and Jazzy did other things I never understood. And there was this fabulous singer Kitty with who I have a dinner date at the Janata Blue Chandi Night orchestra bar in Dharavi.”
The boss suddenly declared he had a bright idea. Bandar Bhai switched on the lights. Bulbul dashed to her laptop knowing what was in store. I poured a stiff vodka. “Let us, the Ullu Banao company, prepare India's first reality show musical.” I stayed silent. Bulbul said, “I searched Google and it says that credit goes to #SingIndiaSing. You must watch it, Sir before we proceed.” Bandar Bhai put out a banner saying ‘Dumb chick’.
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Ghusanewala was unperturbed. He said, “You clowns, #SignIndiaSing was in English. We can do reality show musicals in Hindi, Marathi, Bhojpuri, Tamil, Bengali, whatever. Bulbul, find singers who can act. Kansur, find actors who can sing. Himesh Reshammiya will compose the music. Bandar, look for dancers from various jungles in India.”
On my second vodka, I was curious. “What about the script, Sir?” Ghusanewala shot back, “We only need someone to write in rhyme. I can do that. In Hindi, it will go: Tu yahaan, main wahaan, phir kahaan, dhoonde jahaan . In Marathi, it will be: Tu disti aahe chaan, pan mee aahe lahaan. We can put it to the Sairat beat.”
Bulbul was excited to play Dolly. She will become a 'heroin'. She asked, “But what do we call our musical? No matches on Google.” Bandar Bhai picked up a placard, “Gao Aur Bajao, India”. The action now begins, bhaiyyon aur behenon . Gao aur bajao , India. Sing, India, sing.