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Respected Sir/Madam,
A few days ago I was sitting in my dining room quietly reading a very outstanding novel by renowned author Alistair MacLean. The novel was just becoming very suspenseful when my son ran into the room screaming about some breaking news. I got up and went to the kitchen to pick up a frying pan and create one more breaking news but Mrs. Mathrubootham stopped me.
Sir/ Madam, parents have no option but to justify whatever stupidity is done by their children. Mrs. Shanmugham on the seventh floor has two girls. One looks like actress Gautami and the other looks like actress Suhasini. But both of them behave like fascist Mussolini. Last year, for no reason whatsoever, they went and destroyed all the kariveppilai plants I was growing in pots outside my door.
When I went to Mrs. Shanmugham to complain, she said children will be children, they were just trying to enjoy nature, let it go. Ok, then pensioner will be pensioner, I want to enjoy monsoon by pouring one bucket of water into your Tata Sky, stupid woman. You also let it go.
Sir/ Madam, let me assure you that I am not at all like such people. I have absolutely zero percent hesitation in saying that my son is a complete buffoon. Perhaps you are thinking, how can Mr. Mathrubootham say such things about his own son. Okay, then you take him.
Anyway, so I asked my son, what is this breaking news that has ruined my Alistair MacLean novel?
He then spent one full hour explaining the French elections.
Sir/ Madam, I write to you today regarding two major issues.
Firstly, why are we getting all excited about elections in France? Has India progressed so much that our people are now sitting and worrying about politics in other countries? After his explanation, I asked my son some basic questions about our own country. What is the population of Anna Nagar? Who is the MLA of our constituency? What is the Fixed Deposit rate at Vijaya Bank? What is the unemployment rate in Tamil Nadu? Is the Tamil Nadu economy making profit or loss? What is India’s biggest export? What is the capital of Mizoram? Name one Union Territory.
Sir/ Madam, just thinking of his answers makes me want to donate his body to medical science immediately. The closest he came to a correct answer is when he said that Kerala is a Union Territory. My son knows absolutely nothing about his own country. But he knows the complete French election process and full name, age and bio-data details of the two candidates who are taking part in the final round of the French elections. What nonsense.
Secondly, I wish to commend the French people on coming up with a completely confusing election process. Personally, I am very much in favour of making elections as complicated as possible. Sir/ Madam, that is the only way we can make sure that only genuinely interested people vote. TV channels will say that oho! festival of democracy, the people have spoken, the ballot is stronger than the bullet and all. Meanwhile, 13 dummy candidates called Narendra Modi will each get 400 votes. People don’t even pay attention in the booth.
Therefore, I am very much in favour of a French-type system where you have to vote four or five times before forming a government. Maybe one election should be held only between midnight and 6.00 a.m. Maybe in one election, you have to answer some general knowledge questions before being allowed to vote.
Instead, we have voters like my son. You may recall from a previous letter, sir/ madam, that he now has a T-shirt with the words ‘Trump Is Not My President’. I was going to get the exact same colour and design T-shirt with the caption ‘Maradona Is Not My Archbishop’.
But Mrs. Mathrubootham said no.
Yours in exasperation,
J. Mathrubootham
