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The United States of America are about as ‘united’ as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is ‘democratic’. After the election of Donald Trump, everyone now occupies a camp. You’re either “for” government healthcare or you’re against it. You either “believe” in climate change or you don’t. It has always been so to some extent: that is why individual States have had the right to govern themselves as they see fit. Liberal Vermont probably has more in common with Germany than it does with deeply Christian Alabama. The country cannot seem to move ahead on key issues because it’s so starkly split on what it stands for. So why not go ahead and split the country?
pic.twitter.com/38X74hpCGN MLK MUST BE TURNING OVER IN HIS GRAVE TO THINK THIS IS HOW DIVIDED AMERICA HAS BECOME AFTER 8YRS OF BLACK PRESIDENT
— Anna APPLE (@AnnaApp91838450) September 26, 2017
What America needs is a good, old-fashioned partition. We’ve seen how quick, easy and peaceful partitions have been in India-Pakistan and Israel-Palestine. The West has been prescribing partitions to the rest of the world since time immemorial. Now it must heed its own advice. The solution is simple: the coastal States join Canada to form the new secular nation-state of Canadia while the fly-over States in the centre and south become the NASCAR Republic of America (or the N.R.A.). There are many ways to slice and dice America based on “shared values”. Rural vs urban (probably the most consistent), white vs non-white, rich vs poor, etc. But partitioning the country along those lines would be complicated. Instead, since most States tend to vote the same way (Democrat vs Republican), we can simply reallocate existing States to Canadia and the NRA. Here’s how it would work.
On the west coast, the weed-smoking, immigrant loving, tech hubs of California, Oregon and Washington State can connect to today’s Canada. On the east coast, the tranquil north-eastern States are basically already Canada but with slightly better sports teams. The Midwest can have Brexit style referendums to decide where its futures lie. A 6-month amnesty period would be required, so that families can relocate to the country of their choosing; Americans already have large cars, so moving should be easy. After that, the NRA can begin building its border wall to keep out the Mexican immigrants to its south while Canadia builds a border wall to keep out the Nascarian immigrants to its. Texas may well secede and the NRA will surely grant this proud State its right to self-determination.
Politics has become a team sport that is more about beating the other side than improving living conditions for citizens. Through a partition, Americans will be able to pick their team and obviate opposition once and for all.
Canadia would remain largely as it is. A secular democracy with progressive domestic and globalist foreign policy. At home, Comrade Trudeau would continue to champion strong gun control, legalising recreational drugs, open immigration, gay marriage, big government, public healthcare and environmental conservation. Strong diversity quotas would ensure all professional sports teams have a representative mix of races and genders. The public-school system will be replaced by NPR Kidz, a free 24x7 podcast. On the external front, Canadia would take up its rightful humanitarian leadership role, rallying the world towards fighting climate change, deepening international trade, empowering multilateral institutions, directing foreign aid to critically affected areas, and so on.
A contiguous land-trade route to Mexico would secure a vital, uninterrupted supply of avocados to power the country’s guacamole-based energy supply. With Silicon Valley on the West coast and financial services on the East coast, it would be a services economy that aims to redistribute wealth. As the manufacturing sector is phased out, Canadia would commission a task-force of socialist undergrads to lay out a roadmap towards universal basic income. At last, Canada’s many good intentions would get the financial backing to execute meaningful change throughout the world.
The NRA would be a Christian state, just like Israel is a Jewish state and Iran is an Islamic republic. Abortion and gay marriage would be banned, while schools that teach evolution instead of creationism would be subject to blasphemy laws. There would be no limits to carbon emissions or permits required to pollute. The Schrödinger Act would ensure that regulations remain simultaneously restrictive and noble. The forces of the free market will be unleashed: Campaign financing would be totally transparent such that the politician with the most funding would automatically win the seat, saving huge vote-counting costs. Now that the out-of-touch Washington elites have been jettisoned, citizens and businesses would finally be totally free to operate exactly as their Churches wish.
Because of the increased burden they now shoulder, churches would go from being tax-free to being subsidised. NRA would go back to its agricultural and manufacturing roots and still have large ports from which to export its rifles and root beer. Taxes on the wealthy will be cut so that military spending can be increased; the new state TV Channel ‘Fox War’ will broadcast all of NRA’s ongoing military exercises in stunning HD. As the young multi-cultural, liberals in Canadia harp on endlessly about equality, the old, white, Christian residents of the NRA will be able to retire and die in peace. After all, we don’t know what the world will look like in 20 years, so why bother planning ahead?
We have seen that politics has become a team sport that is more about beating the other side than improving living conditions for citizens. However, the problem with team sports is that there is another team. By partitioning the country, Americans will be able to pick their team and eliminate the need for an opponent once and for all. Remember that when we unite, we have less stuff and when we divide, we have more stuff. More stuff is better. Let’s give pieces a chance.
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