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The Supreme Court of India has read down the archaic IPC Section 377. We owe this success to the people who risked their safety, came out and fought for our rights. Decriminalisation would increase social acceptance and improve our safety to open up conversations with our communities, but it cannot replace our engagement with our society. It is imperative that we as queer communities come out and speak if we have the ability and privilege to do so.
Social psychologist Bibb Latané explains that immediacy, number and strength of the people determines the social impact. The Supreme Court ruling would have the strength, but it will lack the immediacy and number that our engagement with our community can generate. The kind of intimate relationship that we have with our family, friends and colleagues is irreplaceable. So, it is time for those of us who have stayed as an audience to participate in our movement.
Nothing captures this better than Harvey Milk’s campaign and his famous quote: “Coming out is the most political thing you can do.” He encouraged people to come out when he campaigned for the “No” vote on California Proposition 6, which would have banned gays and lesbians, and possibly anyone who supported gay rights, from working in California’s public schools. This led to the first victory against Anita Bryant’s hate campaign in the United States.
We tend to believe that India is a lot different from the U.S. The gay-liberation movement was difficult in the U.S. in comparison with Canada and the UK. The U.S. Supreme Court struck down the sodomy law nation-wide in 2003, whereas the UK did so in 1967 and Canada in 1969. Anyone who has followed American queer history would know that Queer Americans relationship with their family, friends and colleagues played a significant role in the acceptance they are experiencing today. When I realised this, I wanted to come out to my family, but I was scared. And for good reason — losing my family was highly possible.
A couple of months ago, a cousin, whom I considered a friend, and my uncle started blackmailing me. I couldn’t allow someone to weaponise my sexual identity against me, and that was the push I needed, I spoke to my brother who is a college student. The first thing he asked me was when I decided to be gay, but he listened as I explained to him that sexual orientation is innate. At the end of our conversation, he told me that he would support me and stand by my side if my parents reacted poorly and that gave me the courage I needed to come out to my parents.
I have been trying to remember how I explained it to my mom what it means to be gay, but everything is a blur. I was so afraid, and it felt like an eternity as I waited for her to respond. But the first thing she said showed her concern for my life, nothing else mattered to her. I have to say I have been incredibly lucky to have a mother like her. However, my father didn't talk much; he said he booked an appointment with a doctor. Fortunately, the doctor was not greedy. He spoke to me alone and subtly made sure that I know what I am talking about, and he explained to my dad that sexual orientation is determined at birth. The two incidents that happened after this inspired me to share my story.
One day during lunch, my dad asked me to go back into the closet and get married to a woman. Before I could respond, my mom asked my father if he would be okay with marrying his daughter to a gay man — that struck home with my father. Since then he occasionally asks me about my plans for the future and often tells me that he would support me through my decision.
Quite recently, my brother told me that when his friend spoke about beating up a gay. My brother had intervened and explained to them that orientation is determined at birth and that he was quite open about having a gay brother. This conversation ended with his friends expressing support for me. This why I believe we can build acceptance in our society if we educate our corner of the country.
Most people hate us because they think we have a choice in the matter and that we made a decision that threatens our society. A common myth entertained both in India and the U.S. is that queer people are a threat to the “institution of marriage”. The Netherlands legalised same-sex marriage in 2000, and it did not destabilise its society. In fact, the country ranks better than most countries in happiness and mental health.
It is easier to dehumanise someone one has never met and delegitimise a relationship one has never seen or experienced; this can change only when we give them an opportunity to interact with us. Some of my queer friends argue that it’s the 21st Century and people can educate themselves with the Internet. Thing is, we need people to empathise with us, not study us.
I know it may not easy for everyone, and each family reacts differently, but I believe they deserve to know. They may not accept us, but they would still be rejecting the real us. At one point, I grew tired of wondering if they would still be my friends if they knew about me. A few years ago, I decided to find out. I have lost so many of my friends as I started coming out. There was a period of loneliness that followed, but now I have friends who passionately fight for my rights, our rights. We are among the most populous countries in the world; surely we will meet people who will accept us for who we are. Those who rejected us would probably come around, the change is not easy, and they need time too.
Disclaimer:
Please do consider your personal safety, economic independence, and other factors that may be relevant to you, before coming out. We also recognise that being ‘in the closet’ itself is a luxury available only to some — others among us have no choice but to be ‘out’ because of our visible gender non-conformity.
