In India these days a dish has been gaining increasing popularity. It’s not a new dish but it’s gaining unprecedented visibility thanks to the untiring efforts of the gau rakshak community. This is a prized recipe handed down via WhatsApp groups . The recipe is now the subject of study of a special high-powered government commission. But it remains a closely-guarded recipe passed down as a rite of passage by some venerable masterchefs.
Now, for the first time, after intense study of various iterations of the dish from Alwar, Dadri, Hapur and Una, we are able to bring you a step-by-step guide for a fail-proof recipe with ingredients easily available in your local community so that you can recreate the dish whenever you like.
An IndiaSpend study says 84% of victims in cow-related violence since 2010 are Muslim and 97% of the attacks took place after 2014.
Ingredients needed:
4 men*
1 bovine (optional)
1 informer at cattle fair.
2 tbsps of fake WhatsApp videos. (Readily available in your local WhatsApp group)
8 lathis and rods. 1 handful stones. (Please make sure rods are sturdy and thick)
2 belts.
A few mobile phones.
1 tsp of a minister.
1 large pinch chief minister (to taste)
1 receipt/ permit document
1 FIR
2 policemen (optional)
1 cup tea.
4 garlands (for garnish)
First locate the cow using cattle fair informers and mobile phones.
This step can be done in advance in preparation for the main recipe. This recipe calls for a cow but it can be made without a cow. In the latter case just use a fake WhatsApp video to whip up some righteous anger against cow smugglers and beef-eaters. Note: this recipe is best cooked by a mob in a public place like a field or a train. Do not attempt to do this on your own at home.
Lie in wait for the men with the cow. Surround men. If they are in truck/ tempo, block the vehicle.
Pull men with cow aside. Marinate in fake WhatsApp video for 10 minutes. In the beginning, they will insist they are dairy farmers. Squeeze hard to extort money. At the end of the marinating process, they can be referred to as cow smugglers.
Tear the receipt/ permit for purchase of the cow. Sprinkle to taste.
Use lathis, rods and belts to tenderise the men. Film entire process using mobile phone to upload later online as a training video. Refuse the men water if they want any. Drag spread-eagled through a field.
When the “cow smuggler” looks sufficiently battered, after an hour, add two policemen (if using) to the mixture. Put lid on and cook at high pressure. As it cooks, pause for a cup of tea.
Find a minister or official to say the gau rakshaks are heroes and there is no need for a law against vigilantism and that an upcoming election is a fight between those who eat beef and those who don’t. For added spiciness, the minister can say the men were indeed illegally transporting cows and that no lynching took place.
Season to taste with one large pinch of silence from available chief ministers. It improves the flavour.
Raise heat to boil and cook. The curry will be finished when, as an RSS leader says, Muslims stop eating beef.
File one FIR against the lynched men for “cruelty to animals”. Grant bail to perpetrators. Do not take statements from eye-witnesses. That will ruin the recipe. Call it road-rage involving unknown persons instead of murder instigated by rumours of cow slaughter.
Find a minister, preferably Harvard-educated, to garland the perpetrators as a garnish right before serving.
Upload video onto social networks.
Repeat all steps for maximum effect until elections. Organise a Sadhbhavana Divas afterwards.
If using cow, take it to a cow shelter after it is all over and let it languish there and eat plastic. The cow is disposable. Unlike revenge, lynching is a dish best served hot. Also, unlike Americans, the mobs prefer their steaks well-done.
*It works best with men of minority communities. At a pinch you can make do with a couple eating some kind of meat, preferably in a public place like a train. You can also burst into a house and look for meat in the refrigerator. This dish can also be made in a non-communal version with rumoured child traffickers and kidnappers. Use relevant WhatsApp videos in that case. All other steps remain the same. Be creative. Enjoy. Chew on it, though some might find it hard to swallow.
The writer is the author of Don’t Let Him Know , and like many Bengalis likes to let everyone know about his opinions whether asked or not
