By issuing an appeal to celebrate February 14 as Cow Hug Day, the Competent Authority did something long overdue: it reclaimed a glorious 10,000 year Indic tradition from the putrid paws of a decadent Western culture that still has anti-national elements of the Anglophiliac Indian elite in thrall.
ALSO READ Animal Welfare Board withdraws circular on ‘Cow Hug Day’
As the notification put it, ‘The dazzle of western civilisation has made our physical culture and heritage almost forgotten’. Of course, you can’t blame people for getting dazzled by Western civilisation. If I could afford it, I would also wear Bvlgari glasses and Movado watches, use a Mont Blanc pen, and move around in the comforting luxury of a BMW 760Li High Security. That’s why I feel blessed to not be a wealthy politician or his favoured crony billionaire. I wear glasses from Padmanabhan Opticals, don’t use a watch (the ancient Indian concept of time is cyclical, making a watch superfluous) or a pen (in the smart phone era a pen is a purely decorative item, like a tie, or the Opposition in a dictatorship), and commute to work on foot (my office is between the kitchen and balcony).
So yes, modesty apart, there is no denying I am a success story when it comes to resisting Western culture. But it’s not been easy. It gets particularly hard on February 14 — the day public places are overrun by thousands of couples springing up spontaneously like poisonous mushrooms.
What exactly is a ‘couple’ if not a Western vulgarity? The very concept is alien to Indian culture. In India, we only have families, no ‘couples’. If by chance you happen to spot what looks like a couple roaming in full public glare, on closer inspection, you’d find that they are family members only — like brother and sister, husband and wife, Alsatian and owner of Alsatian. Therefore, it is the duty of every patriotic Indian to reject this so-called Valentine’s Day, which is nothing but a conspiracy to subvert Indian culture by propagating the cult of the couple.
Fake news
This year, the Competent Authority tried to reconnect us to the ancient Indian festival of Vendanthambi Jayanthi, the birth anniversary of Sri Vendanthambi, a cow-protecting saint who lived around 8,000 BC. His birthday was on February 14th, and people used to celebrate it by hugging each other’s cattle and exchanging delicious cow dung cakes.
After the Mughals invaded India, the festival went underground. When the British invaded India, the festival returned overground, but as Valentine’s Day, based on fake news about a Roman saint who supposedly helped young boys and girls indulge in illicit romantic behaviour using roses, greeting cards and other kandraavi accessories. Since then it has been a struggle for Indian nationalists to save brainwashed Indian youth from this immoral practice.
It was in this context that the notice restoring February 14 to its rightful status as Cow Hug Day was a significant moment in India’s cultural revival. The whole country was gearing up to celebrate its first ever Cow Hug Day. But at the last minute, the Competent Authority withdrew its notice. Why it did so, no one knows, and it would have stayed that way if I hadn’t gone out and talked to the stakeholders.
Grandmother of democracy
I was just trying to do the decent thing. I stopped a passing cow and apologised for the betrayal of the Competent Authority. “Not their fault,” it said. “We only requested them to withdraw the appeal.”
I was stunned. “But why?”
“For national interest,” the cow said, and was walking away when I caught it by the tail.
“What do you mean ‘national interest’?”
The cow looked around fearfully before explaining, in a whisper, that the real culprits were the anti-nationals who were going around mocking the very idea of humans hugging cows, and thereby damaging India’s image ahead of the G-20 summit. “So we thought it best to maintain status quo.”
“Isn’t India the Mother of Democracy?” I asked. “All G-20 hoardings say so.”
“It is,” the cow agreed.
“And the cow is our Mother,” I said.
“I am not your mother, but yes, at an abstract level, you can say that.”
“That makes the cow the Grandmother of Democracy,” I said.
“Absolutely.”
“So why can’t all democratic nations hug Grandma at least once a year?” The cow did not reply, but beamed at me expectantly. I smiled, and did what we all should have done on February 14: I gave Bos indicus a nice warm hug. Belated Happy Cow Hug Day to all the cattle citizens of India.
G. Sampath, the author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
COMMents
SHARE