I know most of you are still reeling from the series of high profile exits from the Congress. What a tragedy. I mean, it is India’s largest and most ineffective Opposition party at the moment, their impressive record of failure stretching back eight years, two general elections and 10,000 Assembly elections. If I was a Congressman with even half a brain cell, I would have long ago quit the party and joined the BJP, or at least started my own party. It took a while but now this is precisely what all intelligent Congressis have begun to do.
Of course, an official movement for ‘Azadi’ from electoral irrelevance (and consequent cash flow crisis) was started by G-11.5 (formerly known as G-23). Now this movement is in its final stages. I was, nonetheless, taken by surprise when my source in the Congress called me on Signal last week to tell me he has a copy of the latest resignation letter from one more (dis)respected senior leader.
I said, “Can you leak it to me?”
“I already asked my driver to make a rocket out of it and lob it into your balcony,” he said. “Go and check.” I rushed to the balcony and sure enough, there it was — the paper rocket with its nose stuck in our tulsi flower pot. I requested my source not to share the letter with anyone else so I can offer its contents exclusively to the loyal readers of this column. He agreed, and here it is, reproduced verbatim:
Respected Madamji,
I joined the Congress many moons ago, at a time when very few honest, sincere people wanted to enter politics and spoil their name and reputation. In my four score and ten years of selfless and relentless service to the party, nation, planet and the galaxy at large, what all have I not done? I was the most non-working member of the Party’s Non-Working Committee for nearly four decades, both in an elected and nominated capacity. I contested several elections, attended hundreds of meetings, gave thousands of speeches, and drank millions of cups of tea — all in service of the nation whose flag we love. What did I get in return? Disappointment after disappointment, as the party failed to live up to my humble expectations and lost one election after another.
In today’s day and age, there is only one business model for ordinary Opposition politicians like me: win election and defect to the ruling party. My only problem, which you know very well, is that I cannot win elections. If you remember, back in the 1970s, the party gave me assembly ticket twice, and I lost both times. Thankfully, the party leadership discerned that my unique value lay not in winning elections, but in that much maligned skillset without which no political party can survive in India: sycophancy. I was rapidly promoted up the party hierarchy despite a chronic inability to gather a crowd or win elections. I was made Union Minister many times and received multiple Rajya Sabha terms. In return, I showed my gratitude to the party by becoming financially atma nirbhar for multiple generations.
Sadly, one fine day, the top leadership was inexplicably displaced, and a young, non-serious leader with no appreciation for old school sycophants took over. He never gave me a chance to demonstrate my prowess. Instead, he cultivated a bunch of younger, more aggressive sycophants who cut me off. In other words, I was out-sycophanted.
Everybody’s welcome
But remember: one of the things that made the Congress party different was that it was the only party where diversity in sycophancy was not just cherished but encouraged. You could come from whatever background — any religion, caste, age, region, ethnicity, any letter of LGBTQIA+ — and there was space for you if you had the talent and passion for sycophancy. But now, I am sorry to say, things have degenerated.
Not only does the new generation of sycophants show no respect to the older generation of sycophants, they take every opportunity to humiliate them! For instance, when I called to follow up on my 10th Rajya Sabha nomination — by the way, let me clarify I have no interest in the perks of being an MP, I wanted it only because 10 is a round figure — I was told by one of your security guards that he has been nominated and if I want, I can apply for the post of Senior Associate Security Guard which will open up once he becomes Rajya Sabha MP. Is this how you humiliate someone like me who until yesterday was the National General Secretary of the party’s Standing Committee on the Core Committees of the Executive Committee?
I therefore resign myself from the party. I still wish the party well. But more than my wishes, the party needs good quality sycophants. Unfortunately, sycophancy is being provided to the party leadership by security guards and peons when there is a need for specialists. BMKJ.
The author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, ‘The Hindu’.
sampath.g@thehindu.co.in
