India is the world’s greatest democracy. And yet, there are hardly any training institutes where people can go and learn how to vote. I don’t mean the physical act of voting. Everyone knows how that’s done: you go to a voting booth, stand in a queue while the EVM does its job, then take a selfie showing an inked finger. No, I am talking about the mental side of it: how do you make up your mind about which candidate or party is the best for you, your children, and the nation?
Unfortunately, there are also no guides or self-help books on this subject. So, in public interest, I am sharing the basic principles of voting that will help you choose wisely. Memorise them before the next election in your locality.
Figure out your vote bank
This is the first and foremost principle to bear in mind. Unless you are a multi-millionaire, Akshay Kumar, or a serial buyer of electoral bonds, you belong to a vote bank. There are many vote banks, like Dalit vote bank, Muslim vote bank, Yadav vote bank, etc. Only the liberal upper-caste English-medium types don’t belong to any vote bank. They automatically cast their votes on the basis of whichever party is best for the planet’s welfare. But the rest of you, once you have identified the vote bank you belong to, do some research. Listen to psephologists on TV, read the experts on op-ed pages, check out opinion polls. From all this you will be able to figure out which party owns the vote bank you belong to. That is the party you should vote for.
Don’t fall for the real issues
These days, political parties have become so smart that if they feel they can’t win over a section of voters, they try to confuse them. Fortify yourself against such tactics. Check which parties are talking about things like unemployment, healthcare, school education, and inflation. Remember that only those which don’t know how to win elections will talk about these issues. Therefore, avoid these parties/ candidates like the plague — unless you want to waste your vote on a losing party.
Check which party promises to protect you from danger
As per the most recent census, 79.8% of Indians are Hindus. So there is a 79.8% chance you are a part of the majority. Sounds great. But who is to say if you’ll still be part of the majority by the time the current yuga ends, which is just a matter of 4,26,877 years? Simply put, you could be in grave danger and not even be worrying about it. Find out which party reminds you to feel threatened by the 20.2% who don’t dress or pray like you. That’s the one for you.
Look for candidates with criminal records
If a candidate has been charged with murder, dacoity, rioting, rape, arson, fraud, or at least attempted murder, it denotes a strong drive and killer instinct. They are the most motivated to win elections and serve the people. They are preferable to candidates with a so-called clean record, whose ambition isn’t forceful enough to get them to break the law even for the sake of the nation.
Is your candidate giving you cash or booze?
If a candidate is distributing money and free alcohol, it means he wants you to be rich and drunk. That’s your guy — unless you want to stay poor and sober.
Can your candidate change clothes seven times in six hours?
Most of us find it burdensome to change into or out of our gym clothes and office clothes. Yet, we don’t give enough credit to a politician who takes pains to change his clothes, make-up, and headdress two dozen times a day. Only someone who values the time and attention of voters and photographers will go to such lengths, and clearly this is someone worth backing — at the very least, you will get something to gawk at.
Does your candidate praise the Supreme Leader?
While it is true that India is the world’s greatest democracy, let’s not get carried away — India also has a Supreme Leader, and his word is the last word on everything, including who you vote for. Therefore, only consider candidates who at least have a selfie with him. If any candidate has been critical of him — even if it was 50 years ago when said candidate was in another party — dump him.
Follow these principles and enjoy unlimited prosperity and democracy forever.
The author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
sampath.g@thehindu.co.in
