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Summer camp proposal

Lung power: Whoever screams the loudest, wins 

Lung power: Whoever screams the loudest, wins 

Dear Parents,

Greetings from PayThruYourNose Global National International School!!

We are pleased to inform you that the school is organising Summer Camps for kids of all ages. The focus area this year is ‘Critical Life Skills for New India’. We believe personalised training in these skills from a young age will boost your child’s chances of success in a fast-changing socio-politico-economico- cultural environment.

The life skills classes will be conducted thrice a week for four weeks for a modest fee (plus immodest GST). While enrolment isn’t compulsory, please be advised that families of students who don’t sign up may get raided by the Enforcement Directorate. Why? Because we cherish inclusivity and believe every student should be taught a lesson. Especially those who don’t enrol despite being moneyed enough to be studying in this school in the first place.

We are confident that once you see the programme details below, you will voluntarily cough up the fee ASAP.

Art of Lying (ages 5 and up): Conducted by a government-accredited lying coach, this activity-based program offers your child a golden opportunity to explore the joys of manipulating reality at will. By the end of this program, your ward will be able to lie fluently in three languages, think on his feet to come up with a bigger, more spectacular lie when primary lie is exposed, and expertly deflect blame when backed into a corner. On the last day of the course, students will be taken on a field trip where they will be evaluated on their ability to convince three randomly chosen malnourished unemployed penniless Indians that ₹15 lakh was indeed credited to their accounts and that they are living the best days of their life. Fee (inclusive of GST): ₹85,000.

This column is a satirical take on life and society

Cooking Cadets (ages 12 and up): Who says cooking needs to be all about food? In a post-truth, data-driven universe, it is the art of cooking numbers that could give a competitive edge to your child. With hands-on, project-based learning, this program will empower children to cook up numbers and data to show whatever they are asked to show. At the end of the course, your child will be able to prove, using government data, that India is the only country in the world with zero deaths from COVID, petrol prices are lower today than they were under Aurangzeb, and that inflation is a matter of perspective — if you look at it upside down, you will find that prices are, in fact, going down (because up is now down). Fee (adjusted for inflation): ₹95,000.

“Who says cooking needs to be all about food? In a post-truth, data-driven universe, it is the art of cooking numbers that could give a competitive edge to your child”

Science of sucking up (ages 13 and above): It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is not talent and integrity but the ability to suck up to the person in charge that determines whether you enjoy success, prosperity and a Rajya Sabha seat (or at least a vice-chancellorship), or spend your life stewing in a self-secreted brew of bitterness, frustration, and resentment of the mediocre. In this program, conducted by a former Cabinet minister, children start off by practising on mangoes and ice cream, before doing an interactive module on integrated boot-licking. Through a variety of role-play activities in imaginary scenarios, the program rids the child of any residual sense of shame and builds confidence in their all-round sycophantic capabilities. Fee (inclusive of GST): ₹99,000.

Yelling over others (all ages): In New India, there is no place for politeness, courtesy or the overrated art of listening. Whoever screams the loudest, talks over others, and behaves like an entitled piece of faecal matter, wins. Though children are typically born with this insight — it’s how they survive their first few years — they learn to disregard it under the influence of immature parents who teach them outdated things like not interrupting when someone else is speaking. Rest assured, by the end of this course, your ward will have enough uncouthness to be a spokesperson on India’s leading fake news channel and enough lung power to be heard by viewers even when TV is on mute. Fee (inclusive of GST): ₹1,22,000.

Indic Anthropology 101 (all ages): As the title suggests, this is a knowledge-oriented course that will equip your child with the actual true information on a very important topic: the descent of man. Unlike what Western propaganda has been saying, primitive man originated not in Africa but in India. This can also be deduced — post-facto — from the fact that the largest numbers of the world’s primitive men are currently living in India only. Another little known fact is that two of the most popular primitive men, Australopithecus and Zinjanthropus, both belonged to the majority community and were against cow slaughter and hijab. Many such facts about humanity’s Indic past that were buried by Leftist anthropology will be resurrected and fed to your child. Fee: It’s complimentary with any one of the other programs.

[Note: There will be no refund if it turns out your child is already an expert in the course he/ she signed up for.]

G. Sampath, author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

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Printable version | Jun 17, 2022 9:49:31 am |