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‘The accused shall not leave the country, unless he wants to go to Pakistan, in which case he is more than welcome to leave provided he doesn’t come back’

November 18, 2022 01:45 pm | Updated 04:16 pm IST

‘Considering the facts of the case, and having perused the submissions made by both parties, the question before the court is simple: why can’t bail be enjoyed in jail only?’

‘Considering the facts of the case, and having perused the submissions made by both parties, the question before the court is simple: why can’t bail be enjoyed in jail only?’ | Photo Credit: Getty Images/ iStock

1. This Court has inter alia taken cognisance of the bail application filed by the petitioner Shri Malcolm Marshall on behalf of the accused Shri Babloo Kasmalam in respect of Gummidipoondi Police Station case No. 56 of 2014 registered under section 972D of the New Indian Penal Code.

2. Briefly stated, the allegations of the prosecution with regard to Shri Kasmalam are extremely heinous. It has been alleged that the accused has, wilfully and repeatedly, cast an evil eye on the national security, sovereignty, and unity and GST of India. It has also been alleged that it is Shri Kasmalam’s evil eye that caused India’s shameful defeat in the T20 World Cup despite 22 astrologers correctly predicting India’s victory. This court believes in bail, but not for such a rarest of rare crime.

3. Considering the facts of the case as laid before it by the learned counsel of the prosecutrix Shri Asterix, and having perused the conspectus of the prospectus of the submissions made by both the parties ex parte in toto, the question before the court is simple: why can’t bail be enjoyed in jail only?

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

4. This court, in a series of superb judgments sprinkled with Latin phrases because they sound cool and impressive, has made a concatenation of jurisprudential colligations on bail that are so amazing that res ipsa loqitur. Most pertinently, in Shri Andy Roberts & Guptaji Vs. State of Maharasthra & Sharmaji (criminal appeal no. 9876CMYK of 1983 Dt. 07-09-1983), this court issued an order wherein it clarified that, notwithstanding the lex scripta that bail is the rule and jail is the exception, it cannot be disputed that roses are red, violets are blue, the state is always right, and jail’s best for you.

5. Heretofore, notwithstanding anything else that this court or some other court may or may not have said or not said in any other instance in any parallel universe or multiverse from any dimension and by upholding the dictum of ubi eadem ratio, ibi idem jus, the court rules that the powers of reason are ultra vires before the powers of the Dark Lord and dismisses the lex lata in favour of lex  ghisapita.

6. Keeping in mind the mens rea of the mea culpa in the mandamus of the matum prohibitum, the court is inclined to reject in extremis — and also in flagrante delicto — the bail application of Shri Kasmalam. However, the honourable court is in a good mood today and feels like doing mutatis mutandis to the habeas copious. Therefore, it directs that Shri Kasmalam be enlarged on bail on his furnishing a personal bond in the sum of ₹X and two surety bonds of ₹Y and ₹Z, respectively, where ‘X’ is equal to the total value of electoral bonds sold till date, ‘Y’ is the total amount spent by political parties in sale and purchase of MLAs in the last five years, and ‘Z’ is the total revenue foregone by the government due to incentives and tax exemptions to corporates from 2014 to 2022.

7. The release of the accused on bail is subject to the following conditions:

a. The accused does not try to influence the prosecution witnesses, such as by offering them Rajya Sabha seat or chairpersonship of NGT, NCLT, NHRC, etc.

b. The accused shall not leave the country, unless he wants to go to Pakistan, in which case he is more than welcome to leave the country provided he doesn’t come back.

c. The accused shall eat only sattvic food for the rest of his life.

d. The accused will do yoga and pranayama for at least 90 minutes each every day.

e. The accused shall, in a 24-hour cycle, set aside 30 minutes of all his thoughts and conversations for subjects of ‘national interest’ as per the guidelines issued by the government of India.

f. The accused shall learn the complete lyrics of the song ‘Tum to Thehre Pardesi’ by Altaf Raja and sing it before and after every meal.

g. The accused will henceforth direct his evil eye towards China only.

h. In case the accused violates any of these conditions, the prosecution is at liberty to dump him in jail and also arrest any or all members of his extended circle, including family, friends, milk man, boss, etc, and this is not to be vindictive or anything but none of them will get bail for next seven births.

8. Bali application of the accused is thus disposed of. Jai Hind. Res judicata, tata.

The author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

sampath.g@thehindu.co.in

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