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Beating the coronavirus

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The second wave has taken even our wise rulers by surprise. Most people I know are either confused, terrified, or both. They have many questions on how to defeat the coronavirus. But there’s no one place with all the answers. So, in the larger public interest, I’m sharing below the top five most effective strategies to beat the virus. If you follow them diligently, I can guarantee 110% that you won’t die of COVID-19 — at least not officially. So, here goes:

1. Don’t catch COVID-19: This may seem obvious but it’s the most powerful strategy to avoid dying of COVID-19. I know people keep saying, ‘Don’t attend mass gatherings’. My advice: Ignore these fear-mongers. I know someone who attended a series of mass gatherings, including a family wedding on his way to an election rally on his way to his funeral. He is in complete isolation now — can’t reach him either on phone or Ouija Board — and more important, he’s fully asymptomatic.

2. Boost your Immunity: Surviving COVID-19 requires an invincible immune system. There are many Ayurveda and Maserati remedies that can boost your immunity from zero to 100 in less than four seconds.

The basic idea is simple: if you move faster than a coronavirus, it can never catch you. The best immunity booster combines the immunity elements of Ayurveda with the booster elements of a Maserati Biturbo V8. Follow the following regimen daily for a turbo-charged immunity:

a. Take a pot of warm water and add to it 10 mg Chyawanprash, 5 mg haldi (turmeric), 7 mg jeera (cumin), 8 mg dhaniya (coriander), 4.5 mg garlic, 8 mg tulsi (basil), 3 mg dalchini (cinnamon), 6.3 mg kalimirch (black pepper), 8 mg dry ginger, 11 mg raisin, and 12.74 mg jaggery. Then transfer the contents into a mug and pound them into a paste. While pounding, don’t break the mug.

b. Once the paste is ready, add 15 ml of double toned cow’s milk or single-toned tiger’s milk, depending on whichever is your favourite animal. Then pour the entire mixture into a beaker and heat it on a Bunsen burner. Wait till boiling point, then plunge into ice — the beaker, not you. Then take the beaker out of the ice and pour the mixture into a tall (but not too tall) glass coated with sambar powder.

c. Drink seven-eighths of the mixture in six gulps of equal volume. To the remaining one-eighth of the mixture, add one table (I prefer the study table but dining table or bar table also okay) spoon of sesame oil, one soup (tomato soup or lentil soup are recommended but avoid lizard leg soup) spoon of ghee, three pudina (mint) leaves, and 13 ajwain (caraway seeds). Do not drink this mixture but swish in the mouth (12 times clockwise and 24 times anti-clockwise) for three minutes and spit it off followed by a warm water rinse.

d. Rest for two minutes after above-mentioned rinse, then take 15 mg of lavang (clove) powder and mix it with 45 mg of freshly generated cow dung. Apply this mixture in both the nostrils and breathe normally 45 times. After this, get into any Maserati with a Biturbo V8 engine and drive fast with the windows open. If you don’t have a Maserati physically available, use an imaginary one.

3. Breathe less oxygen: Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we end up COVID-positive. So it’s best to be prepared for the worst. In India, your chances of survival are inversely proportional to your need for oxygen. So, my advice: train your body to get by on less and less oxygen until you wake up one morning transformed into a giant anaerobic organism.

But how does one train to become anaerobic? You know the answer: Pranayama. Doing Namoshah-Shahnamo pranayama (similar to Anulom-Vilom pranayama but performed facing the direction of 7, Lok Kalyan Marg) every morning will eliminate oxygen dependency and make your lungs 110% atma nirbhar.

4. Don’t vote for the virus: By all accounts, the second wave of 2021 is much bigger than the waves of 2014 and 2019. Sources tell me the coronavirus may capitalise on its unprecedented popularity in India by standing for elections. I know you might vote for it out of sheer habit of voting for a virus. My advice: don’t. I agree it’s not the virus’s fault that India doesn’t have enough oxygen or hospital beds or vaccines or common sense. And it’s true the virus has so far spared you. But I wouldn’t recommend needlessly stress-testing your immunity.

5. Think of nation’s image: If, despite everything, COVID-19 routs your immune system in straight sets, be gracious about it. Don’t be selfish and make your death all about yourself. Think of how bad it will look if India’s COVID mortality rises some more because of you.

So, my last and final advice: make sure your death certificate says nothing about COVID-19. Instead, it can say something neutral, like, ‘Cardiac arrested under provisions of UAPA’.

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

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Printable version | Jun 24, 2021 9:09:14 AM |

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