A Hindu and a Muslim walked into a bar. Though the signboard outside said ‘Bar’, it wasn’t a bar but the Income Tax office. After paying their respective taxes to the secular government of secular India, they both felt hungry. So they visited a Belgian restaurant down the road to have some cake.
As they were munching on their cakes, the Hindu said, “Petrol and diesel prices these days are really reasonable, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely,” the Muslim said. “They are unbelievably reasonable. The government really cares for the people.”
After they finished the cake, the Hindu felt like having some coffee. Coincidentally, the Muslim also felt the same. So they both ordered Belgian filter coffee.
As they were sipping their respective coffees, the Muslim said, “Isn’t India really peaceful and non-violent these days?”
“Absolutely,” the Hindu said. “The government is doing a great job of maintaining law and order.”
“India is the best for minorities,” the Muslim said, nodding appreciatively.
“Listen,” the Hindu said. “You are aware, right, that we are both living inside a Hindu-Muslim joke?”
“Of course.”
“Shouldn’t we lay down some ground rules, so that no one who is reading this gets even 1% chance to get offended?”
“Excellent idea!” the Muslim said.
“I have an idea for a rule,” the Hindu said. “Let’s avoid controversial topics.”
“That’s the best rule I’ve heard in my whole life,” the Muslim said. “Can I also suggest one?”
“Sure.”
“Anything you say, no matter what it is, I’ll always agree with you. How about that?”
“Super,” the Hindu said. “In any case, we are not real, live human beings with complex, multiple identities but two life forms whose only active identity is the religion ascribed to us. Therefore, as long as we stick to these two rules, everything will be fine.”
“There’s one other thing,” the Muslim said.
“What?”
“You see,” the Muslim began, “We Indians take great pride — especially when we’re outside India or talking to the Pope — in the fact that India is a democracy that protects free speech.”
“So?”
“Wouldn’t the very notion that there are always some people waiting to take offence be offensive to some people?”
“Brilliant point,” the Hindu said. “Along with politically sensitive subjects like peace, non-violence and democracy, let’s also avoid topics like free speech and offence-taking.”
“Makes total sense,” the Muslim said. “Shall we also make a list of absolutely harmless topics that we can stick to for the duration of this joke?”
“Certainly,” the Hindu said.
“How about sports?” the Muslim said. “Should we talk about sports? Do you like sports?”
“I do, my friend. But sports includes cricket, and cricket is a politically sensitive topic, as Pakistan also plays cricket. So we can’t discuss sports, I’m afraid.”
“Of course!” the Muslim said, slapping his forehead. “How could I, of all people, forget!”
“How about food?” the Hindu said.
“Food?!” the Muslim raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
“Drat!” the Hindu said. “You are so right, bro! How could I even imagine bringing food into this joke?!”
“Glad you see my point and I didn’t have to end up disagreeing with you,” the Muslim said.
They both sat in silence, trying to think of risk-free topics to move the joke forward. Then the Hindu looked up brightly.
“How about real estate? Have you bought your own house yet? I am good at this, you know. I know some really good properties, great location, fabulous prices.”
The Muslim continued to look at his Hindu friend silently.
“What’s your budget, tell me,” the Hindu continued.
“We’ll get to it,” the Muslim said, making strange faces.
“I’m sorry? You’ll ghetto it?”
“I was saying we should get out,” the Muslim said. “From this restaurant. Let’s go for a walk. There is a park nearby.”
As they were walking in the park, the Muslim said, “Any fresh ideas for a safe topic we could talk about?”
“How about COVID-19?” the Hindu said.
The Muslim froze. “You mean, corona?”
“I’m sorry, bro,” the Hindu said. “I completely forgot what happened last year.”
“No problem,” the Muslim said. “What about architecture?”
Now it was the Hindu’s turn to express caution. “You sure you want to go there? You want to talk about BUILDINGS?!”
“My bad!” the Muslim said. “Construction and demolition are both such volatile topics!”
As they walked, racking their brains for something safe to chat about, they spotted an empty bench and sat down. A cow came and sat down next to them.
“I’ve got no beef with either of you guys,” the cow said. “But something tells me one of you is going to jail.”
“What?” the Hindu was shocked.
“But why?” the Muslim said.
At this point, just before the punch line, police entered the joke and arrested the Muslim. For the record, I’m cancelling this joke.
G. Sampath, author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor , The Hindu.
sampath.g@thehindu.co.in
