Portions for Rahul Bajaj

Skip the out-of-syllabus questions to the government and ask the right ones

December 06, 2019 04:10 pm | Updated 04:10 pm IST

Know your portions, sir. Please go through your syllabus. Ask Akshay Kumar, Navika Kumar, my NRI cousins, our best students, if you have any doubts about what questions you can ask.

Know your portions, sir. Please go through your syllabus. Ask Akshay Kumar, Navika Kumar, my NRI cousins, our best students, if you have any doubts about what questions you can ask.

Dear Rahul Bajaj-ji,

We’ve always had the highest opinion of you, sir. This despite your first name, LOL! And who actually named you, ROFL! After all, you did give us Chunnu Munnu De Papa Di Gaddi . But we are quite taken aback by your recent outburst, to say the least. Doesn’t behove a man of your stature.

How can you say this about our country, sir? Yes, the government is our country. If so many people voted them into power, it can’t mean anything else, can it?

What you have done, sir, in essence, is hurled invectives and created a fake narrative about our hoary, futuristic land when we are just a stone’s throw away from being a $5 trillion economy. Which, BTW, our friend, Sambit- bhai Patra knew full well was five followed by... er... 12 or... maybe 14?... zeroes, and was pretending ignorance only to test that over-enthu Gourav Vallabh.

Who said you can’t question us, sir? Whatever gave you that idea? There are millions of questions you can ask us. It is just that you don’t seem to know the right questions.

Imagine, sir, if we put out a lavish buffet in front of you with all kinds of rich shuddhdesi delicacies on the table and you come and ask us ‘How come there isn’t any buttermilk?’ Won’t that kind of nitpicking and criticism hurt someone who is toiling day in day out for your grandchildren’s welfare?

Know your portions, sir. Please go through your syllabus. Ask Akshay Kumar, Navika Kumar, my NRI cousins, our best students, if you have any doubts about what questions you can ask.

Here are a few sample questions from the millions you can ask us. For instance, you could ask us about mangoes. Both the cutting-and-eating variety and the juicy ones you suck by making a hole on the top. Ask us about Alphonso, Banganapalli, Himsagar, Imam Pasand. Go on, ask us. We’ll share all the details we have.

Ask us Maths-related questions. Feel at liberty, feel brave to ask us about equations. Do you want to know where the extra 2ab came from in (a+b)2, feel free to contact us. Similarly, in simple division, if you want to know how one litre of milk can be divided equally between 81 children, we have the precise calculations for that, too.

Coming to economics, you can ask us about pakoras . Go ahead, we can give you exactly how many pakoras can be made by our teeming, enthusiastic workforce of patriots, and how many should be eaten by the eager, needy public to turn us into a superpower.

Okay, let’s come to external affairs. Do you want to know what the song selection is for next year’s programme in Houston to fête our beloved leader? Feel free to write to us about the menu, itinerary and which Bharatanatyam item Ambujam Mami and her troupe will be performing as soon as the lamp is lit.

Weather: ask us about clouds; technology: ask us about radars; values: ask us about why Nehru smoked and was seen in the company of shady women; history: ask us why all Mughals are rogues; innovation: ask us about gutter gas; environment: ask us about plogging; computers: ask us about Dhritharashtra’s web consultant, Sanjaya...

When you can ask us soooooo many questions, what fear, what lynching, what downturn, what trepidation, what censoring, what Gandhi, what Godse, what patriotism, sir, are you referring to?

Get a grip. Read your portions. Let’s march forward together towards an ancient tomorrow.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.

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