Consider this a joint note addressing the recent untoward behaviour of the dollar and petrol.
Let us deal with the dollar first. Listen, dollar, first and foremost, Sundar Pichai, Satya Nadella, Indra Nooyi and Priyanka Chopra. What about them, you say? See what they have done for your country. See how much they have sacrificed, leaving their parents in assisted-living facilities here, unable to attend athimber ’s shastipoorthi and suchlike, working for you. Without them, your Google wouldn’t be able to use Windows or drink Pepsi while watching Baywatch . So show us some respect in return. Don’t act so pricey. This point alone should bring you down by ₹10, at least.
Secondly, have you not noticed Salman Khan and Akshay “ Desh Premee ” Kumar in the Forbes list of the world’s highest-paid entertainers? They have achieved this even though they earn in rupees. Imagine if you were lower, we could’ve had at least two south Indian entertainers, too, in that list. Also, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan just won the Meryl Streep Award for Excellence. In which field, we are yet to ascertain. But these factors considered, you should be shedding, bare minimum, another ₹10.
Next, see how we treated Ivanka ben when she was here not too long ago. Like royalty, she was made to sit with our beloved leader. And they both played with Mitra, that cute robot. (Mentioning that the robot malfunctioned is against our culture.)
Plus, when Nikki ben Haley was here, we obliged her, too. We told her we won’t play with Iran and said ‘kaa’ to them. This sanskari treatment meted out to two important American betis ought to bring you down by, say, a further eight bucks.
Coming to you, petrol, shame on you. You have betrayed us, petrol. You are behaving like a Nehru supporter.
You have behaved so badly that Canada’s greatest Indian patriot, Akshay Kumar (yes, him again) has tweeted, heartbroken, that the middle-class ditch their Bentleys and Lamborghinis, dust off their cycles, and start using them again. See how demoralising that is for a country that is zooming into the stratosphere. Here we are, building statues of unity, filling lakes with oxygen through duck flatus, and you let us down by going up at this crucial stage.
My request, dear petrol, is that you display some national character. Speak to the carburettors and engines of every vehicle you fill. Galvanise them into a movement. Tell them, “ Beta , you are not treating us with the right amount of respect. Work twice as hard, so you can double the mileage you are giving.” Make all the automobile parts stand up and sing our national song. Bring out their latent patriotism. That will essentially halve the petrol expenditure of every family.
When the automobile components are made to go through this exercise, trust me, petrol bhai , they will oblige. If not, we have other ways.
It isn’t such a big issue for us to demonetise the dollar or send petrol to Pakistan.
So, in essence, the proper MRP of both petrol and the dollar cannot exceed ₹56, okay? And I am talking for the next 50 years. All those in agreement, say Jai Hind .
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books, and edited an anthology.
