It’s about time. What animal lovers and activists have long been lamenting has finally been articulated by Dr Shareena Hamzah of Swansea University. I would say she belled the cat. Except I can’t.
The academic suggests we do away with thoughtless phrases like ‘bringing home the bacon’ and ‘putting all your eggs in one basket’ as soon as we can, because they have been offending vegans and vegetarians for too long.
Unlike the average columnist, who merely tells you what the problem is, my readers will vouch that I have always striven to provide cheap, recyclable solutions for the entire family. And when providing them, I have never failed to keep in mind that they be tailor-made for us Swachh Bharatiyas .
Let’s start with ‘bringing home the bacon’. We know it basically refers to someone who earns the money required to take care of a family. While Dr Hamzah seems to have concentrated narrowly on bacon, and animal cruelty, it is our duty as sensitive Indians hailing from the most ancient civilization in the world to reinterpret the phrase in a truly holistic manner so it reflects the culture of our nation, and doesn’t offend the sentiments of the deeply sentimental citizenry.
Let’s take ‘bring’. The effort of the householder isn’t represented in this word at all. It’s not like he is being given the money for free. He is earning it. And make no mistake, it is a he . Let’s come to the word ‘home’. What kind of a home are we referring to? Is it 2BHK, 3BHK? Are we talking of a nuclear family or joint family? Is there a benevolent patriarch in this home, like the ones Alok Nath used to portray? And which party do the members of this family support?
Here’s an option I’ve come up with that covers all bases.
Old western sentence: Olivia chooses not to work, so it’s William who brings home the bacon .
Corrected Bharatiya sentence: Kalpesh bhai doesn’t allow Falguni ben to work, so he ushers (instead of brings) into the jointly held HUF dwelling (instead of home) the Haldiram’s mixture (instead of bacon).
Let’s examine the idiom ‘putting all your eggs in one basket’. Again, a narrow western interpretation concentrates solely on making amends for the eggs.
What about the ‘putting’? Is it being done in accordance with our Upanishads? Is it, perchance, being done during rahu kaalam ? Who are the people doing the ‘putting’? Are they urban naxals, libtards, presstitutes or Shashi Tharoor’s friends? Coming to the ‘basket’, is it a Make-in-India basket? If so, does one of the Reliance companies make it? If so, which brother’s company? Finally, did the basket ever say anything untoward about a cow?
Here’s a satisfying option that will please everyone:
Old western sentence: He was unable to recover from his losses because he put all his eggs in one basket .
New Bharatiya sentence: He was unable to recover from his losses because he inauspiciously deposited all his khakras in one faulty Nehruvian receptacle.
You get the gist now.
‘Flog a dead horse’ becomes ‘teach a proper lesson to a Vijay Mallya-owned animal that has reached its heavenly abode’.
‘Killing two birds with one stone’ becomes ‘Giving moksha to a pair of feathered friends with one granite piece from an authorised quarry’.
What about ‘beefing up security’? That’s already been done: giving protection to cows.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books, and edited an anthology.
