When Suryanarayanan and Banumathi got married six years ago at a simple temple ceremony in Chennai, they had no family by their sides. This was no rebel couple breaking religious or caste taboos and being ostracised by their kin. The groom was in his 70s and the bride in her 60s. And romance and marriage for older people is not quite what society approves of. In fact, when a lonely and widowed Suryanarayanan told his children that he was thinking of remarriage, they asked him why he wanted to marry at his age.
“Companionship.” That, in one word, was what the former telecom sector employee from Bengaluru was looking for. He was 74, his wife had passed away, he had long retired, his children were married, and he was often lonely. Suryanarayanan decided to sign up with Vasantham Remarriage Service in Chennai.
The right profile
That is where he found Banumathi. She had never been married before. “My horoscope was not considered good when I was in my 20s,” she tells me. A friend persuaded her to get married. “I laughed. Marriage at 64?” she says. But she signed up with a marriage bureau, and as she sifted through the profiles, she instantly took to Suryanarayanan. “We first started talking on the phone and later, we met and liked each other.”
The couple now lives in a cottage in a retirement community in Kottaikadu, in Tamil Nadu’s Kancheepuram district. Their neighbours were initially disapproving. But with time the community came around, as did Suryanarayanan’s family. In fact, when Banumathi was diagnosed with cancer last year it was his sons who helped finance the surgery. “We have been very happy these past years,” she says.
Over the last 15 years or so, remarriage among the elderly have become, if not common, at least more frequent than before. Matrimonial portals today include several profiles of senior citizens, and services have sprung up catering exclusively to second marriages. These are seeing a steady growth in registrations of people aged 60 and above.
The reasons are simple: life expectancy is up from 32 years at the time of Independence to over 67 today. According to the 2011 Census, 10.38 crore Indians are over 60. Many are single, divorced or have lost their spouses, and are looking for a new beginning, and another shot at a relationship.
In the 15 years since Mumbai-based A.M. Badal founded re-marriage.com, he has seen a steady increase in the number of seniors registering. There were hardly any when he first began, but they now make up about 20% of his profiles. “The senior citizens are not just from India — non-resident Indians register too,” says Badal. But the senior profiles on Badal’s website, like the profiles on other marriage bureaus and facilitators who work with the elderly, are primarily men.
A giant step
When C. Shomir, a retired wing commander from Kolkata, lost his wife of 39 years, he felt “the need to settle down again.” He was 64 then, his mother was aged, his sister was bedridden with Alzheimer’s, and his children were married and lived in the U.S. Shomir was keen that all the members of his family be on the same page: his children, their in-laws, his mother and even his late wife’s siblings.
“No one was opposed to the idea, though my children were a little apprehensive initially,” he says. Through a popular marriage portal, he met several women in different parts of the country. Nothing clicked, until one day he found Constance, then 60, who had retired from a school, saw his profile and contacted him.
It took 10 days for Constance, who had lost her husband a few years ago, to work up the courage to call Shomir. “It was a giant step for me,” she says. His profile on the matrimonial portal had caught her attention. But at that point, she says, she was only looking for someone to talk to. But Shomir was keen to meet. When they did, they hit it off. Initially, Constance was reluctant to even tell her sister about him, even though the two were very close. And even later, when they decided to get married, Constance says she told herself “she would give it a shot and if it didn’t work out, I would just return home.” So she held on to her home until last year, nine years into the marriage.
Assets can indeed become a thorny issue, and the couple was practical about theirs. Shomir asked his mother to update her will and he updated his. “We have property in Kolkata and we changed the wills so that one floor goes to each of my children and one floor can be used by my wife, after which it goes to my grandchildren,” he tells me.
Facilitating the marriages of elderly people can raise issues that are very different from those that concern younger couples. Health is a serious consideration, with chronic and other ailments a worry. Financial stability is another.
What will they say?
The third factor is the reactions of close family. Children and families are often the biggest deterrents to seniors remarrying, say most matchmaking services. “If the children are not supportive,” says S.K.M. Vasaant, who founded Vasantham Remarriage Service in 1990, “then the elderly person finds it difficult to go ahead even if they want to. Worries about what society will think and even what their adult children’s in-laws will think, coupled with the children’s fears of loss of inheritance or assets sometimes leads to strong family disapproval.” Some concerns and prejudices happily go out of the window though: for instance, many seniors ignore caste and religion preferences, like Shomir and Constance. And horoscopes are no longer an obsession either. And thankfully, the marriage ceremonies are generally simple and low key.
In recent years, children are becoming increasingly open to the idea, and even actively coming forward to find partners for their parents. Bengaluru-based Shanthi Kotresh, who conducts matchmaking events for senior citizens and for persons with disabilities, says that she sees people come to her accompanied by their children. In some cases, the children live in another city or work full-time and are not able to care for their parent, and would like them to find a partner.
His his, mine mine
Several months after Ann Dias, Mumbai-based owner of a catering service, lost her husband, a friend proposed to her. The then 64-year-old initially said no: “I felt it was too soon,” she says. She wanted to speak to her children first. “But my son was very supportive of the idea. He travels frequently and thought it would be good for me to have companionship and support at home.” Ann and her second husband Florence Noronha found a simple way to pre-empt disputes over property: what was hers would remain hers and what was his stays his. “I even explained this to his daughter so that there were no misunderstandings,” says Ann.
As Vasaant says, couples are generally more cautious during remarriage. “They take longer to decide and, in the case of a divorce, attempt to understand what the issues were.” But, in some cases, second marriages too can end in break-ups. The number is not high but divorces the second time around happen for a number of reasons — sometimes the new, blended family does not work, sometimes the couples find they are incompatible, or there could be disagreements over assets in other cases.
But, as sociologist Patricia Uberoi says, that elderly women are marrying at all is remarkable. Uberoi, who has worked in the areas of gender, kinship and family, points out that culturally, remarriage for women has not been very acceptable, while for men, it’s been far easier and even seen as ‘normal’. Also, the fact that widows have been relatively asset-less has made it more difficult for them.
“The prejudice should go,” says Uberoi, pointing out that in other countries it’s quite common for senior couples to be in relationships but to have separate households — this works out if they don’t necessarily want to marry.
It is not just marriage that senior citizens are looking at, they want relationships. Natubhai Patel is a retired government employee from Gujarat who facilitates matches between senior citizens with meet-ups held across cities. Patel’s service has seen 112 marriages and 24 live-in relationships. “I usually recommend that couples live in for a few months to see how the relationship goes before they marry,” says Patel.
Beyond families and social pressures, for the couples, it’s about finding love and affection again. Ann comes home at noon after despatching her catering orders. That’s when the couple spends time together. “In the evening we may go to a club or visit someone or go shopping.” Shomir and Constance love to travel. Banumathi and Suryanarayanan are content watching their favourite TV shows together.
As Dr. Uberoi says, “If two people can find companionship, satisfaction and even fun in old age, why shouldn’t they marry?”
