For Sachee Malhotra, founder of That Sassy Thing, a digital-first sexual and menstrual wellness brand, and her partner, the Internet was the go-to space to seek intimacy while the couple was in a long-distance relationship for two years. Distance was a dampener, but it also offered the pair an opportunity to explore various aspects of their relationship and build intimacy online.
“Sometimes it’s hard to communicate our deep desires in person. It is difficult to express your vulnerabilities and put yourself out there when you are face-to-face. But sexting can be a great way to navigate these challenges without having to follow a script,” says Sachee.
Smartphones and the Internet have transformed how people communicate with each other. Whether it is social networking platforms — Facebook, Twitter and Instagram — or dating apps, the quest to establish meaningful social and romantic connections has grown hugely. Unsurprising, because the hunger for intimacy is regarded as the core of fulfilling, affirming, and gratifying human social exchanges.
Sachee Malhotra of That Sassy Thing, a digital-first sexual wellness brand | Photo Credit: SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT
New-age technologies such as artificial intelligence and virtual reality have helped create a variety of online interactions, especially romantic ones. Today, these online experiences are far more immersive, with some mimicking aspects of physical proximity between people. In the metaverse, for instance, which is a cross between virtual and augmented realities, weddings have become common. Recently, Dinesh Sivakumar Padmavathi and Janaganandhini Ramaswamy, a couple from Tamil Nadu, invited 2,000 people to their Hogwarts-themed virtual reception during a lockdown. Such 3D, human-like avatars in the virtual world simulates realistic physical interactions between people.
Sociocultural shift
But is online intimacy bringing us closer, or driving us apart?
Dating apps are revolutionising romance in India — a country where arranged marriages are the norm. According to industry surveys, these apps reach 2.2% of India’s total population today, and are projected to touch 3.6% by 2024. These platforms are steered by millennials, who constitute roughly 400 million of the country’s population. They are more comfortable exploring relationships without the obligation of getting married to their romantic partners. This tectonic sociocultural shift has also spurred digital natives to experiment with various channels of online intimacy, such as virtual sex parties, sexting, or phone sex.
Tanya Percy Vasunia, a Washington D.C.-based psychologist, notes that the way we communicate has dramatically changed in the last couple of decades. Recent surveys indicate that more people are talking online today than face to face. According to a mobile insight firm App Annie, WhatsApp may soon reach 500 million users in India. More than 95% of WhatsApp’s monthly users in the country use the app every day, which reflects the ‘new reality’: people preferring texting to speaking over the phone.
Sexual isolation
But there’s a silver lining: with a proliferation of platforms offering online intimacy, people can now explore their sexualities in multiple ways. For a lot of people, these online spaces reduce the stress associated with in-person interactions. Online relationships can lead to greater self-disclosure and less inhibited behaviour, says Shevantika Nanda, a Gurgaon-based counselling psychologist.
Others like Tanaya Narendra, a pleasure-focused sex educator (dr_cuterus on Instagram), believe that the Internet has also been a blessing for those experiencing sexual isolation, especially during the pandemic. “Several couples have been stranded in different cities and countries, which has created intimacy hunger: craving for touch is a very natural phenomenon, and online intimacy has helped such people stay connected with each other,” she says.
Sex educator Tanaya Narendra | Photo Credit: SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT
Connection is the cornerstone of meaningful relationships, and amid the clutter of online dating apps, there are also a few platforms like Not So Arranged that are “helping to bridge the much-needed gap between hookup apps and impersonal marriage portals”. They assist in finding you a match, based on your compatibility quotient and in-person interviews. “That’s a huge reason why Not So Arranged is all about taking dating offline because chemistry happens in person. It’s important to strike a balance between online and offline intimacy; you don’t want to kill the spark by limiting it to the virtual realm,” says Tanisha Ghura Kanani, co-founder and business head of Not So Arranged.
Tanisha Ghura Kanani (right) and Priyanka Ghura Kuka, founders of dating platform Not So Arranged | Photo Credit: SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT
A research paper, ‘Online Intimacy and Well-being in the Digital Age’ by Anna M. Lomanowska and Matthieu J. Guitton, talks about how “meeting and maintaining interactions online also enables individuals to overcome certain ‘gating features’ that may otherwise deter them from engaging with others, such as personal characteristics related to sex, gender, age, race, any physical features of appearance, disability, or any form of real or perceived stigma.”
For many queer persons, the Internet has been an integral space for intimacy, romance, love, friendships, and community. Especially for queer people who aren’t out completely, the Internet is often a safer space for intimacy and sexual expression, because there might be more scope for private conversations and exchanges, anonymity, greater agency, and more choices. Debarati Das from Point of View, a non-profit organisation that works with gender and sexuality, points out how within their biological families, queer people find their gender and sexual expressions heavily monitored.
Debarati Das from Point of View, a non-profit organisation that works with gender and sexuality | Photo Credit: SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT
Equally, the community has to tread a fine line between safety and online intimacy, as they face gender-based harassment online, including outing on social media, non-consensual image-based sexual abuse, doxxing (where their personal details are leaked), threats and blackmail, queerphobic trolling, and so on. These experiences can affect a person’s life and mental health. “For me, online intimacy is the next step after getting to know someone or it’s about having a few chats before I get comfortable,” says Nitasha Biswas, who won India’s first-ever transgender beauty pageant.
Nitasha Biswas, who won India’s first transgender beauty pageant | Photo Credit: SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT
Likewise, for many people with disabilities, online is where they find community, friendships and romance at their own pace. Society assumes that people with disabilities are not sexual beings, that they don’t desire intimacy or sexual exploration, and this is one of the most damaging myths. “This, along with the lack of access to colleges, classrooms, restaurants means that people with disabilities are left out of social situations,” says Zahra Gabuji, lead at Pyaar Plus, a sexuality toolkit for young women and people of other marginalised genders with disabilities. “One of our disabled peers, who uses a wheelchair, talked to us about how they made many friends online, something they were not able to do otherwise, as they always had to be accompanied by a caregiver (in this case, their mother).”
Zahra Gabuji of Pyaar Plus, a sexuality toolkit | Photo Credit: SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT
Accessible space
According to Nu, the founder of Revival Disability Magazine, online intimacy has helped people with disability create alternate worlds of not only sexual intimacy, but also platonic and queer intimacy. “It has allowed access to online communities of care, and I think that is very important in the face of isolation and touch deprivation. For me, physical touch is my love language, but audio and video calls have helped me feel closer to my partners and friends during the pandemic. More than online intimacy, creating an accessible online space for people with disability is important.”
While physical proximity, hugging, kissing, holding hands, or sexual contact have always been important ways to establish intimacy, relationships have always included verbal and non-verbal communication as well. So is online intimacy a threat to real-world connections? “When you are with someone in the same physical space, body language and touch become critical. In the virtual space, a lot of the situations are imagined. For instance, you imagine holding hands or kissing each other, and quite frankly, what goes on in your head is a little hard to replicate in the real world. There is always a gap, and you need to be aware of that,” says Tanya.
Online, there is also an inherent risk of encountering dishonesty and deceit, especially in the case of anonymous contacts. The Internet has also made access to pornography much easier, which distorts depictions of intimacy and largely disregards ideas of sexual consent. “People are filling the gaps with whatever is available. So, a lot of people are becoming dependent on porn. But it is important to strike that balance, to fulfil that craving without losing sight of other things. We should not become so focused on online intimacy that we lose real world touch,” says Tanaya .
Love is hard
It appears like we have become slaves to technology, says Pallavi Barnwal, sex educator and intimacy coach, who believes it is essential to hook up with real-life partners instead of with those on our phones. “Technology is easier and love is harder — there is a virtual illusion of choice and a vast network of connections, and so our investment in love has reduced. Technology is all about options, but real intimacy is about selective focus,” she says.
Online and offline worlds are intrinsically linked, and we can’t stay detached from either. But balance is key — mindlessly swiping and frivolously sliding into DMs can lead to online fatigue. Moreover, being deprived of physical intimacy robs you of a range of health benefits such as reduced blood pressure and the release of endorphins.
Online intimacy can be the bridge that helps you connect with people across geographies, as Pallavi says. Deepening intimacy will mean switching to in-person interactions. “Touch deprivation can’t be fulfilled through a screen. Our skin has receptors that feel the sensation of affection, arousal, and warmth, depending on touch,” says Pallavi.
“The body has its own radar that communicates with us,” says Akanksha Singh Chandele, a trauma-informed therapist. “Whether we are comfortable with someone, how safe we feel in their presence. This visceral experience cannot be replaced by screens and calls.” In a nutshell, the body has a language of its own and it senses things that we might not be consciously aware of.
The independent journalist and content consultant writes on health and wellness, relationships, and women’s issues.
