For nearly 10 years, I have been an avid Facebook user enthralling my 11.3 followers on a daily basis with my unique brand of wit and wisdom. Yet, I don’t seem to understand how the platform works. And it’s frustrating. Readers, please help.
Locked profile friend requests
How does one get to do both, lock one’s profile and seek friendships?
Is that okay on social media? Because if one did it in real life, it would be the equivalent of the disembodied voice in the dark alley going ‘pssst, hey, pssssst, you, come here, I say, yes, you only in green shirt and pink pants with the funny hair’ and actually expecting you to walk up to that pitch-black corner behind the dumpster, step over that dead bandicoot, stick out your hand and say ‘Hey, human, beast or alien, I’m totally not creeped out by this at all. So glad to meet you.’
My request to all those sending me locked profile friend requests, kindly message me your business plan. Do you just want to continue lurking but as a friend? Do you desire me because I’m Telugu? Is it to ask me if Serendipitesh Devulapalli of Little Rock, Arkansas, is my cousin-sister’s co-brother? Are you hoping I’ll become your fan? Do you think I’ll immediately help have your article published in TheNew YorkTimes ? Is it to send other folk on my friends’ list — especially the women — friend requests? Do you need me to promote your Ayurvedic upholstery business? Have you gone off your medication?
Let me know so I can ready my tariff.
Invite to like
Isn’t liking and disliking a kind of voluntary thing? And, in real life, don’t we like people only after we get to know them and they behave in a likeable manner? So how is it that I get notifications on a daily basis from complete strangers — who’ve never once interacted with me — inviting me to like their eco-friendly cucumber jewellery business or their organic bullets for small-calibre guns enterprise?
In real life, do these people tap random folks on the shoulder, and go ‘Hey, I invite you to touch me inappropriately.’ Would they be okay if the invitee RSVP-ed with a punch in their kisser?
Cross-legged pose
Ladies, sorry, but you’ve been totally had by a top-notch prankster. I speak of the fashion guru who’s perpetuated this myth that when you pose for pics that you want to upload, the cool, sophisticated, slimming way to do it is by crossing your legs while standing.
Sorry. That just looks like the photographer stopped you as you were rushing to the loo and insisted you pose for a pic. Any time I see a pic like this, instead of seeing poised, elegant women having a cool night out, I am reminded of that scene from The Party where Peter Sellers has to go, and is thwarted at every step, and pretends he’s appreciating the music being played by the band as his bladder is about to give up.
So unless that’s the look you're going for, dear ladies, perhaps best to desist.
Photo with birthday boy
Finally, when did this kind of a birthday greeting become a thing? How loserly is that? Years ago, when their teacher asked them what they would be when they grew up, did these serial photo wishers go ‘Teacher, teacher, when I grow up, my life’s ambition is to be that guy who regularly posts pics of himself standing with whosever’s birthday it is that day.’
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
