“Hate Indian Matchmaking as much as you want, but that is the true nature of society for many of us. Go through the matrimonial ads in newspapers and you will see that most of them want a ‘fair and tall girl’. The show just brings to screen the conversations that usually happen behind closed doors,” says P Soundarya, an IT professional based in Bengaluru.
The 37-year-old’s family has been looking for a potential groom for her, for almost a decade now. Soundarya says she has met nearly 30 ‘prospective suitors’ during that time but none of them worked out.
“Every rejection made me question my self-worth. I was not fair enough or not a skilled cook, or not talkative. Like Sima Taparia, everyone around me felt compelled to tell me that I had to adjust and for a few years I did try,” says Soundarya.
The whole experience, she says, made her go from being happy-go-lucky to a quiet and sad person as everyone just kept telling her she was not good enough. “Six years into the matchmaking process, I decided not to be a submissive recipient. I decided not to mince words when I told the families that having a child is optional for me, and I would not let my career suffer to ‘take care’ of the house. Now, I am the girl ‘who has too many expectations’, but honestly I am okay with it,” she adds.
Indian Matchmaking may seem stereotypical, awkward and conservative, but it is relatable: many millennials who are looking at an arranged marriage realise that the process is deeply problematic.
Shraddha Kaswe, a 25-year-old classical singer based in Karnataka’s Dharwad, recently created her profile on a popular matchmaking website. “A well-to-do family approached us and I was talking to the guy’s father for the first time. In the course of that conversation, the father mentioned that I would have to ‘sacrifice’ my riyaaz for the family. But when asked if his son was willing to do the same, his father thought I was too demanding. While the guys bring pay packets, career and family background to the table, all that is considered about me is good looks and behaviour,” she says.
The process is equally harrowing for men. Recalling one of his earlier meetings with a girl’s family, Delhi-based Nakul Sethi says, “All that their family wanted to know was my annual package and whether I own a house or a car. They were least interested in knowing me or my family. Tall, dark and handsome aren’t just in Mills and Boons , even in reality people prefer these type of guys,” he says.
The good ones
Not everyone who is opting for match-made marriages has problematic experiences to share. “Indian matchmaking does not represent all millennials; I have been in this process and barely encountered such situations,” says Shruti Taneja, an engineer who is a singer by profession from Delhi. “The families that I met were respectful and considerate about my dreams and career. Of course, there were ideological differences, but they were presented and discussed in a dignified manner,” she adds.
Ami Shah, an Ahmedabad-based matchmaker who has been running Parichay Marriage Bureau for 18 years, has been noticing small but significant changes in her clientele.
“Matchmakers are initiating some of these changes. For instance, we ask the girl and boy to meet four or five times before getting their families involved. In this way, the girl and boy are more open and the family’s expectations do not burden them. Unlike earlier times, today the girl or the boy have the complete say in whether it is a yes or no,” she says.
However, there are certain things that are still the same. “Religion, wealth, class, caste and language play a significant role in an arranged marriage. People still prefer matches within their circle. Barely 1% of my clients would want an inter-faith marriage. Young divorcees or people who have called off engagements are still greeted with silence. They are not the first preference while looking for a bride or groom,” she adds.
The highlight of Indian Matchmaking is the story of Ankita Bansal, an independent business owner who refuses to fit into the moulds set by Sima Taparia. Eventually, she walks away with the note that her business is more fulfilling than a relationship. “But that is one in 10 people, exactly like the show. Not every family is that supportive or progressive,” adds Soundarya.
