These are difficult times, what with the pandemic and Pragya, ragi and Ragini, and what not. One doesn’t know how to behave, what to say, eat or think. Thankfully, those educated in Forwards University can and will tell us How to Behave. We need only listen and learn. And since 'tis the season to be jolly, dear reader, I thought I should share some Useful Tips before you head for those Sangrias and Sanitiser Slings.
1. The UN has given us many, many awards. Anthem, flower, flag, why, even our lockdown is UN-certified. All this is good for party chit-chat, but if someone quotes the UN saying that “people have a right to demonstrate peacefully and must be allowed to do so,” brush it off. Because, really, that’s not a statement, it’s just a giant typo.
2. You can boast about POTUS following LOTUS. You can Namaste Trump. You can crow about the dosa Kamala made. But if Justin Trudeau says he is “concerned” about Indian farmers, the correct response is: ‘He is ill-informed’. Because Canada has no TV or Internet, and Trudeau can’t possibly know anything.
3. If the talk turns to loud and obnoxious TV anchors making inflammatory remarks or preposterous conspiracy claims, always accept it at face value. Don’t ask questions. These anchors spend fortunes on scriptwriting and throat lozenges, and it is unfair to also expect them to gather facts. Your right response? Sit back, absorb, forward.
4. For heaven’s sake, polish up on prison etiquette and hierarchy. Corporate and political offenders can get kitchenettes, AC and TV, special toilets and even Ganga jal , but all others — old, ill or dying — get nothing. Demanding sipper, slipper, glasses is to display your gaucherie. I strongly recommend online grooming classes.
5. If you want to be a social success, understand who can and cannot be sent to Pakistan. The Send List includes seculars, Muslims, students, non-biddable journalists, non-biddable anybody, meat-eaters, Valentine senders… the list is long. If, however, a cricketer, actor, singer, writer needs to go to Pakistan for a tournament, concert, film, seminar etc, instantly oppose it. Practise in front of the mirror.
6. These days Monopoly is as much a party game as Truth and Bare, and you’ll soon encounter the Get Out of Prison card. Who gets bail and who doesn’t? Journalists can be jailed but only the loudest get bail. Anyone can beat up anybody else, but only masked marauders escape the law’s sharp eyes. If you’re not up to speed on this, at least wave a carrot about because orange, dear reader, is quite the new black.
7. As we said at the start, only Forwards Uni students actually understand stuff, so it’s best you stick to discussing Bollywood Wives at the RWA bash this year. Farmers don’t understand the new Farm Bills, just as the Shaheen Baghers didn’t understand the CAA provisions. Economists haven’t yet understood the real value of demonetisation and environmentalists don’t know that mining helps forests grow. If only people would read their WhatsApp messages properly, we would be a developed nation by now.
8. If you want to up your cool quotient, learn which fan club to sign up for. The top ones today — and we’re not at all sure you’ll get admission — are Kangana Kalling, Vivek’s Villains, Akshay All Out, Amit’s Anti-Nationals and Priti Pestilent. It requires tonnes of butter, some intense name-calling, and a shovel to dig deep down low, but it’s worth it. You’ll be a hit at all online celebrations.
9. Also, brush up on Civics. What is democracy? When does it become Too Much Democracy? This is a trick question. The right answer, duh, is that democracy becomes too much as soon as it begins. The only way a democracy can be a democracy is when one does away with all democratic institutions while simultaneously building a bigger Parliament. Anything else is Way Too Much D-word.
10. Finally, let’s touch upon food. Don’t, for Christ’s sake, order pizza for your year-end party. Of course, no steaks or Bolognese either. Caviar, yes. And Taiwanese mushrooms. But definitely no pizza. Because that, dear reader, would be a vulgar display of wealth.
Where the writer tries to make sense of society with seven hundred words and a bit of snark.
