If you live in Delhi, you’re probably trying to fight pollution. If you don’t, and live in some place less polluted like Chennai, we hate you.
We are using a lot of different strategies to fight this menace. One option is to install an air purifier and not leave home at all. If your work involves you sitting at a computer, and requires occasional access to the Internet, unlike Kashmir, this could be a viable choice. You would lose out on a lot of human interaction, but let’s face it, if there’s one thing that Netflix has taught us, it’s that human interaction is overrated.
Plus, there’s always Skype. If you position the camera at the right angle, you won’t even have to wear pants. This leaves you with the problem of your family. They may not want you at home all the time, and who can blame them? Your best bet is to work as quietly as possible. Wear neutral clothing and try to blend into the background. Do not make regular demands for food. Bathe frequently. With a little bit of luck, you should be able to pull it off.
If you’re one of those unlucky people who has to go to office, the matter becomes more complex, and some amount of sprinting may be called for. First, you will have to buy two cars, one each for odd and even numbered days. If you’re a woman, you’re exempt, and we hate you. Either way, you should park your car or cars as close to your gate as possible.
Every morning, you need to cover your face with a damp handkerchief, using a cologne or perfume of your choice, because we are not animals, and sprint to your car as quickly as you can. Chuck a portable air purifier into the back seat and drive to office. If your office parking lot is a long walk from your office, or if you don’t own a car and are using the metro, a handkerchief covering your mouth and nose may not be enough. At some point you will need to breathe. You will then need to buy a pollution mask, raising an important question, which many people in Delhi are worrying about. Which mask will match your outfit?
Companies are alive to this problem. A brand called Vog provides a variety of designs, in both solid colours and floral prints. In case none of them are matching your dupatta, or the tartan check trousers which you bought because they were on sale, you can always choose a thin, breathable fabric in the shade of your choice and have it stitched over your mask. Tailors in Delhi are not yet experts at this but they soon will be. Right now, you can search for one in Khan Market. Fashion trends usually start from here.
You can enjoy a wide variety of excellent food options in air-conditioned environments while you wait for your mask to be stitched. Insist on doorstep delivery. Step out of the restaurant in your mask and sprint to the car, or metro station, as the case may be. You’ll be looking good, and the sprinting will keep you fit. What more can any of us really want? Just remember to change the valves on your mask periodically, and you should have nothing further to worry about.
In Shovon Chowdhury’s most recent novel, Murder With Bengali Characteristics , oxygen is sold in small cans
