I t is a regular day at Krishna Rao’s house. The 60-plus retired senior executive of a pharma company has finished his morning routine, had lunch prepared by the cook and went out to meet a few friends.
Yet when he returns home, there is a tinge of sadness. “It is the loneliness,” he smiles. Ever since his wife passed away a few years ago, Krishna Rao* has been overwhelmed with loneliness; he yearns for a companion. “I wonder if there is someone who can stay with you and share ideas and interests,” he wonders.
Krishna Rao is not alone in this. A number of single or widowed elderly men and women are seeking partners in the hope of making a new beginning. While October 1 was observed as World Elders Day, the issue assumes significance with more people coming forward for the second innings. While Krishna Rao is yet to find someone compatible with his thoughts, social status and family background, he asserts those seeking partners should be undeterred by nay-sayers.
Rajeswari Rao, founder of Thodu Needa, which helps men/women above 50 find suitable partners feels Indian society has a long way to go on this issue. “Society believes that one only gets married to have children and not for emotional reasons. It ridicules and embarrasses men and women above 50 who look for a partner. The humiliation is more for women; they are taunted that they have reached menopause so why are they looking for a spouse?” she points out.
She elaborates, “These days there are more nuclear families as children move to other cities for work and young couples are busy in their own lives. They hardly have time for their parents. There is lack of empathy and care towards them. Yet, instead of respecting their parent’s decision to seek a companion, they are made fun of.”
Jyothi Roberts, a divorcee and a former teacher, feels only those who experience loneliness will understand it. “Sometimes the loneliness becomes unbearable. It would be nice if we have a partner who can share our happiness and sorrow,” she states adding, “One should be able to compromise because companionship is worth it. Both partners should be able to bend a little and accept each other with a mature mind.”
Rajeswari points out that some partners opt for live-in relationships. “I suggest that the partners get a medical test done so that they are clear about their medical condition. However, this is merely a suggestion,” she clarifies.
Property is an important factor. “Many children have apprehensions that they would have to share their property with the new person in their parent’s life,” she explains. Radha Devi, legal advisor to Thodu Needa affirms how partners also experience financial insecurities; these issues have to be discussed in detail. “There is a lot of social stigma. Children take their parents for granted and believe since they are providing parents food and shelter, why should they look for a partner now. In some cases, the children don’t openly admit they are worried about the property; instead they try to emotionally blackmail the parent,” she explains.
Sixty-six year old Satyanarayana facesa different issue. After his wife passed away in 2004, he made an effort to seek a companion but was not able to go ahead. “My mind wasn’t accepting. I was comparing everyone with my wife and I couldn’t move on,” he recalls and adds, “A partner is very important. One can’t discuss or share all problems and thoughts with children.”
Although it’s tough to break the stigma, these men and women hope they can step forward and rediscover life.
(* Name changed on request )
