A midlife crisis is, in a sense, life showing you a mirror. You’re face-to-face with unsettling feelings: life accomplishments, job security, ageing, you’re literally standing on a road, in part looking back at what’s gone, and then looking forward, wondering what is to come. “It’s a sort of psychological crisis, when mortality becomes a reality, probable shortcomings in terms of a relationship or work are heightened,” says Dr Anjali Chhabria, Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist, Mind Temple, Mumbai.
The result
Drastic lifestyle changes and life choices can mark the advent of a midlife crisis (those cowboy boots you think you’re going to wear). It’s really an overwhelming desire to alter the course of your life in certain definitive ways. People usually have it between 40 and 60. “Look at it as a transition period from young adulthood to older adulthood. Typically, men and women take stock of their achievements and reflect upon the dreams and goals which they had started off with. Future plans are renewed, and depending upon past success, there is either regret or enthusiasm,” says Dimple Shah, psychotherapist and counsellor, Revival Life, Pune.
Crisis situation
Midlife stresses are a normal part of ageing, rather than a crisis, and most people are comfortable with the changes. After all, laugh lines happen, your waist is probably never going to be the same again, and children will leave home. However, if you experience heightened reactions, which could mimic crisis situations (crying often, cutting off from people, feeling intensely lonely even when there are people around), you’re probably having a midlife crisis, explains Dr Chhabria.
- Change to a healthy diet and lifestyle: introduce exercise, and avoid junk food.
- Plan your day, week, month, set achievable goals for yourself. Give yourself a reward for each small achievement.
- Talk to your spouse and loved ones to keep the connection.
- Consult a mental health professional if any signs of sadness, depression, mood swings, physical symptoms persist for more than a month.
- Renew your goals to be more realistic and achievable.
- Know that both big and small changes are bound to happen, and it’s important to move out of your comfort zone and avoid stagnation, but always have a back-up plan in case it fails.
Then there are unexpected situations, like the death of a loved one, that trigger an extreme reaction.In fact, triggers could be anything from health issues (the discovery of a chronic disease), and a change in earnings (because of say a retrenchment), to relocation, or loneliness. “The greater the acceptance of the change, the less a person is negatively affected. In fact, the more a person resists change, the more likely people are to face a crisis,” says Shah.
Here, two people who changed their lives for the better.
Geetha Kunhiraman, Thalassery, Kerala, 62 years
When her three children grew up and left home for further studies, Kunhiraman, a housewife, was 38 years old. For a few months, she felt empty and struggled with finding post-parental meaning, and an identity for herself. Pulling herself together, she told herself that the best was yet to come. With a supportive husband by her side and her kids doing well, she decided to take life on. Her husband bought her a second-hand car in which she learned driving and soon started moving around on her own. She became a member at a club where she devoted two hours to playing badminton, table tennis, basket ball, and swimming. She also joined a fitness class and lost weight. Her wardrobe changed and she emerged a new person. “I lost my husband four years ago, but overcame my pain and sorrow within a few months. I feel I got this confidence from my exposure,” she says. “We need to celebrate all the good things we have experienced with our children, acknowledging changes in our relationships with them, as we move into the future,” she says.
Anjali Srivastava (name changed on request), Pune, 41 years
Anjali Srivastava underwent a hysterectomy. There were many hormonal changes which were exaggerated as she had suffered from PMS before she underwent the surgery. She was diagnosed with severe depression and had to quit her job as she could not deal with the stress. There were marital issues too, and the couple reached the stage where they wanted to file for divorce. “I was not able to manage my thoughts and found it interfered with my life and ability to meet my daily responsibilities,” she says. So she opted for therapy, both individual and together with her husband. “The solution to my problem was mindfulness counselling sessions. Extensive work was done on negative thought pattern and behavioural changes. With her dedicated effort she actually replaced my negative thinking patterns that made a huge difference in my day-to-day happiness,” she says.
