The town bus honks madly from behind, and an auto zips past, almost brushing against my scooter. But nothing registers. At work, my colleagues are in a chatty mood and greet me. I respond distractedly. The morning meeting is about to begin, and everyone falls silent. And then, I tear myself from the image of my weeping toddler on my mind.
I move on, and so does he, as I learn a little later after speaking on the phone with his caregiver. Separation anxiety in toddlers — a behaviour that manifests itself in the form of tearful goodbyes to full-fledged bawling when the primary caregiver leaves them with someone else, can be a nightmare for parents, more so for those who are working.
Ask anyone and they will speak of their long, tearful drives to work and the constant phone calls to the babysitter/day care. Sarmishta Srinivasan, a Bengaluru-based mother of two, says that she initially found it extremely difficult to deal with her toddler’s separation anxiety. “Archith, my two-year-old, clings to me the moment the babysitter comes home,” she says. The 32-year-old IT professional has found ways to distract him when it is time to say their goodbyes in the mornings.
“I take him to his room, offer him a toy, and leave once he starts playing,” she says. Sarmishta adds that she sometimes takes her child to the play area in their apartment in the mornings so that he’s in a happy frame of mind when she leaves for work. “There are times when I slip away as the babysitter enters the lift with him,” she says. In the evenings, when it’s time for her to return home, Sarmishta says that her son tends to get restless expecting her arrival. “If I get delayed, he doesn’t talk to anyone, sits in one place, and doesn’t eat anything until I come,” she adds.
Shamia Sathish, a PhD scholar, is thankful for her support system because of which she sailed through the tough phase. “My mother took care of my older one when the latter was one year old,” says the mother of two. “And both of them are attached to my mother-in-law too. There were always tears when I left for work, but with help at hand, it was manageable.”
What parents should tell themselves, according to Dr Sowmya Bhaskaran T S, Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist at Coimbatore-based Insight Clinic, is that this behaviour is normal, and is part of the child’s development and will disappear over time. “This is also a marker that denotes healthy attachment between the child and the parent,” she explains. Here’s Dr Sowmya’s ready reckoner for parents dealing with their child’s separation anxiety.
The peak period
Between nine and 18 months; during times of stress, illness, when entering preschool.
The signs
The child becomes restless and clingy when the parent prepares to leave. Follows them around, refuses to leave them and be carried by another person.
What helps
Consistency and routine. It gives toddlers a sense of control. Explain that you’re going for work and will be back soon. Word it such that they understand it, since toddlers don’t have a clear sense of time. Say, for instance, you’ll be back after their nap or meal time.
The goodbye routine
Share a hug or a kiss when leaving. Keep this brief, as a prolonged goodbye is bound to worsen their discomfort and affect the child’s ability to return to his/her normal mood once you leave. A goodbye routine is important, as it gives the toddler a sense of predictability, rather than leaving without their knowledge.
When to be worried
Separation anxiety usually reduces after preschool. If it is still intense and persistent, consult your paediatrician or a child psychiatrist.
